


Once Upon A Lonely Dream

by Thatcrazyfangirlwhohasnolife



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, M/M, Schizophrenia, YouTube, no smut sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-05-13 01:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 35,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5688994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatcrazyfangirlwhohasnolife/pseuds/Thatcrazyfangirlwhohasnolife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things haven't been going so well for the fantastic foursome. Chris has been suffering for a long time, but hasn't wanted to tell anyone. Anyone other than the figure always in the corner of his eye. And to top it all off, his best friend, PJ, doesn't seem to care about him anymore, and doesn't ever want to see him. When Dan and Phil start to notice their best friends behaviours, they feel that it is up to them to sort things out, and to try to help them become reunited. The only problem is, their friendship may suffer for it instead.<br/>A phan and kickthestickz fic.<br/>WARNINGS: Suicidal mentions, schizophrenia, sad themes, and... Um, don't read this if you're homophobic? Has some bad language in, but is very infrequent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dan

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm Milly, this is my first work on here, but I have already posted it on Wattpad, but am still writing it on there! Hope you guys enjoy it, feel free to read the wattpad one instead: https://www.wattpad.com/171365035-once-upon-a-lonely-dream-1
> 
> Thanks, and kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Dan:

It's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. Many people would automatically assume that I'm having an existentialist crisis, and they wouldn't be too far off the truth. Though this one is more... Personal, I guess. I'm not worrying about death, for once, but about me, and my bestfriend. Phil Lester, everybody, who would've guessed it? Not the person I live with, is he? Let me tell you a story.

Back when I was just 18, I was a massive fangirl, as much as I hate to say it, about a YouTuber called 'AmazingPhil'. We had a lot in common, like favourite bands and so on, so I decided to go for it, and contacted him. I can still remember me, teen version hiding under the covers of my duvet at two o'clock in the morning, not being able to sleep as I was too happy over the fact that he friended me on Facebook.

Many dm's later, we got to know each other, and the Skype sessions began. We wouldn't talk about much in particular, but it was great to have someone who I could call a friend. I have been friendless for so long, so the small glimpse of a chance with Phil was something I wasn't going to give up on. He finally persuaded me to start to make my own videos later that year, and before I knew it, I was on the train to Manchester, to finally meet him.

He was even better in real life. We just clicked, as cliché as it sounds, but we knew that we would be best friends for life.

And so, here I am in 2015, wondering about that very thought, and not knowing if I'm right in thinking that anymore. We'd been living together for so long, and I wasn't sure how much longer we would be. I mean, it's not like we were going through a rocky stage- quite the opposite. Our book was almost out, we were going on tour soon, and it was honestly one of the best years of my life to date.

It's just that, one day were going to part ways, go off and get married to someone else, and I'm not sure that I ever want to do that. I can only imagine what that would turn our friendship into. It's something I worry about a lot. For the first 18 years of my life, I didn't really have a best friend, and when I met Phil, it felt like my world was finally going right. And this sort of thing is too perfect to lose...

The friendship, not Phil. *Ahem*

Deciding that I'm not going to be able to get to sleep, I get up and go downstairs, hopefully to find something to do. It was three thirty by now, so it wasn't like it would be too long to wait. I've been up earlier, quite a few times actually. I made sure to tiptoe past Phil's room, as I didn't want to wake him up, him being the kind of person who can (and will) sleep through anything.

I got downstairs, and decided to make myself some cereal, or something, to pass the time, and also because I'm always hungry! When I got in, I heard some rustling from the corner, and my heart beat suddenly sped up. Who was in our kitchen? Could it be a burglar? What do I do?

"Hello?" I asked, almost instantly regretting it. What I was not expecting was for the figure to make a squeaking noise, a human one, but a high pitched squeak. And suddenly I realised that I was being stupid, that it was only Phil there. I turned on the light, and he cowered from me, trying to guard what he was holding.

"Phil! What on earth are you d- hey, is that my cereal box?" I accused, and he bent his head down in shame. I almost laughed, until I got over and took it out of his hands. It felt oddly light, and I realised that he had finished them all!

"I'm sorry- my ones were all gone, and I was hungry, and I'll get some tomorrow!" He spluttered, trying not to laugh at the matter. I was to tired to try to be angry, and gave in and laughed with him.

"You're definitely getting some tomorrow, Phil. Wait- today, it's gone three!" I realised. "Why are you up this late?"

"Couldn't sleep." He mumbled, before picking up the bowl of cereal. "Here- you have it, I'm not really hungry anymore." I pushed the bowl towards him, not wanting to eat it, as he had gone to the bother of making it.

"No, you have it. You beat me to it!" I smiled, and Phil shook his head.

"No, it's your cereal, I shouldn't have had the last of it!" He replied. The stupidity of the situation hit me, and I shook my head. Here we were, both unable to sleep in the early hours of the morning, arguing over a bowl of cereal.

"We'll just have to get another spoon then." I said, settling the matter. "Wait, is there even any milk on it?" I asked, maybe not needing to get any cutlery at all.

"It tastes better!" Phil protested, trying to make it seem as if he wasn't really crazy. I knew better, though.

"Really, Phil?" I laughed, before walking into the living room, where I decided to put on the first episode of Attack on Titan. One of the other things that we had in common was that we both loved anime, and had watched the first series of AoT together.

A moment later, Phil came in, and smiled as the familiar theme tune played from the speakers. We sat down next to each other on the sofa, and both reached for the cereal at the same time, causing our hands to accidentally meet. I awkwardly pulled my hand back, but so did Phil, so I motioned for him to take some. He finally did, and we both sat contentedly, watching Eren Jaeger on the screen, and finally starting to fall asleep.


	2. PJ

PJ:

Mornings have never been the highlight of my day. And the same goes for this morning, even more so than usual, I guess. The week of doing nothing is over, and I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad because of it. I guess it's good, I will actually meet up with people today, unlike the last seven ones, where I have literally been cooped up in my room, feeling sorry for myself.

But today is a new day, as every day is. I drag myself up from the warmth of my duvet, and realise that I need a shower, so I jump in. I spend a long time, letting the warm water run over my body, before finally getting out. At the moment, my hair is damp and the curls are trying to stay down, as if to defy nature. It didn't matter- I had time before I needed to go out for it to dry.

Today I was meeting up with my three beset friends, Dan, Phil and Chris. It wasn't that I wasn't looking forwards to seeing them again... It was just one of them that I didn't want to see. Chris. Every time we met up, I had great fun with him, but that was the problem. I want to be with him too much, and I'm starting to wonder.

I've always thought of myself as a typical, straight man, who has a best friend that he cares a lot about, in terms of friendship. And then I started to see Chris differently. I always felt a twinge of doubt whenever we threw some 'kickthesticks' into our videos, and I never knew why. Recently, I've begun to realise some things, but I needed time away from Chris to work it out. And recently, I finally came to a conclusion.

I, PJ Liguori, think I am in love with Chris, my best friend. Every time I see him, my heart does the flippy over thing, and I'm sure I look like a tomato. He's just so perfect, and he is so funny, not to mention his laugh. We always joke around about this kind of thing, but whenever we do, I can't help but wish that it was real. But it can't be. He's straight, and a lady magnet, I'd never have any chance.

And I guess that that is why I haven't been around him so much lately. I've been thinking, and coming to my decision, I see why I need to stop going round with him so much. What if he could tell I liked him? What would that mean for our friendship? I wouldn't risk that for anything in the world, and I'm sure I'll just give something away if I see him too often. And what if he thinks I'm too clingy? I should just back off for a bit.

However, that isn't going to work for today, as I was driving and picking him up, before we headed over to Dan and Phil's place. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just fall in love with a simple female person, and not have to bother with all of this panic? Suddenly looking down, I realise that I have daydreamed for too long, and forgotten to stop pouring the hot water into my mug of tea, and instead accidentally poured it over my right arm.

"OUCH!" I shout, jumping away, and dropping the kettle, which luckily didn't have anything in anymore. I rushed to the sink, where I put it under cold water for a good fifteen minutes. See? I'm so awkward and stupid, nobody would ever love me for it, let alone the person who I want to love me. It's stupid, I'm stupid and clumsy.

Once I had dried it off and wrapped a tea towel around it (to act as a temporary bandage), I cleared up the mess and ate some breakfast. It wasn't long before it got to 10:30, and I was putting on my coat, finally ready to go out. Once I had picked up Chris, I was going to head straight over to Dan and Phil's flat, to do some vlogging, as I hadn't done anything of the sort for a while. I got into my car, and began to drive.

It didn't take long to get to Chris's house, only two or three minutes, as he lived closer to me than Dan and Phil. This was the reason we needed to drive- it would take twenty minutes to get there from his place to my other friends place. As I got out of my car, I walked up to the door and rang the bell. I decided that now was a good a time as any to start doing my daily vlog, and turned the camera on. I heard muffled noises coming from behind the door, and I saw the shape of Chris, who appeared to be jumping up and down.

"IT'S OPEN!" I heard him yell, and I let myself in. It turned out that he was trying to put on his shoe, but not having much luck. Trying to help the situation, I took it out of his hands, and proceeded to undo the laces, finding this a bit difficult with the fact that I was holding my camera too. Oh well, I guess I could just edit it out later.

"It always helps if you actually undo them, Chris!" I told him, handing it back and he put it on, with a lot more ease than before.

"I'm sorry, I was in a rush, alarm didn't work or something." He replied, and I chuckled at his adorableness. Wait, did I just think that? Abort, PJ, ABORT! Stop thinking like that, he'll find out!

"Ok... You ready to go?" I asked him, and he nodded. We were about to head out, when he gasped, and rushed back upstairs. Trust him to forget something once we were finally ready! I heard a muffled shout of something that sounded like the word "PHONE!", and laughed again.

"It seems that Chris still isn't ready, and has forgotten his phone." I explained to the camera. As Chris came back down the stairs, we finally went back into the car, and set off. The journey was a little bit awkward, but I tried to be my usual self, and we talked about a lot of things, seeing as I hadn't exactly made an effort to see him recently. After the twenty minutes were up, we got out, and I decided to film again.

It took a while for us to get into their house, and when we got to their door, we knocked on it. And waited. I looked at Chris, who shrugged and knocked again, a bit harder this time.

"Well... This is awkward!" I told the viewers, as I tried knocking a third time. "You don't think they're out, do you Chris?"

"Nah, even if they were together, they wouldn't announce it!" Chris joked and I snorted. "No, but I guess we could just use the spare key, if they still keep it under the mat?" He suggested, and I nodded, seeing as they weren't going to get the door. Luckily for us, it was still in the same hiding place, and Chris put it in the lock, opening the door.

"And we're in!" I talked, as we walked into their hallway. I looked around, and saw that no lights were on, but I could hear the faint noise of a TV coming from the living room. "Dan? Phil?" I asked, and heard nothing.

"Lets go and see what the noise it." Chris said, and I nodded, following his lead and walking in the direction of the living room.

"Ooh, are they gonna be here?" I joked, looking at the camera again, before entering the room. I had been right in assuming that it was the TV that was on, and I laughed to see that it was halfway through an episode of one of my favourite animes: Attack on Titan. I looked around, and saw Dan and Phil both on the sofa, fast asleep. Dan was leaning on Phil's shoulder, and Phil on Dan's head. I heard a faint breathing noise as they were sleeping.

They were adorable. They'd make the perfect couple, I found myself thinking, and laughed, before Chris suddenly shouted.

"WAKE UP, LOVEBIRDS, IT'S YOUR PALS CHRIS AND PJ HERE!"


	3. Phil

Phil:

"WAKE UP LOVEBIRDS IT'S YOUR PALS CHRIS AND PJ HERE!" I heard, and suddenly opened my eyes. What the hell? My glasses were still on, even though I was asleep, and I never slept in them. Memories of three o'clock flooded back to me, and I remembered why I was on the sofa. Because Dan and I had started to watch some TV, and I suppose that we fell asleep. Trust us to not remember to set an alarm. I felt a weight on my shoulder suddenly lift, and I looked over to see the very person, just woken up, and with hobbit hair in its full glory.

Suddenly realising what we looked like in front of our friends, I stood up, and frantically began to search for my phone. I heard PJ laugh from across the room, and I saw his vlogging camera out. Well, way to make the Phans go crazy, anyway, walk in to see Dan and I asleep on each other. Great.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry guys, I guess we completely forgot about an alarm, we couldn't sleep so ended up watching some anime, and I guesses we fell asleep, ha ha..." Dan told the others, slightly flustered. "Shit, my hobbit hair!" He said, running his fingers through the curls, and tried to duck away from the camera. "Don't get it on camera, PJ!"

He rushed upstairs, shouting to us that he was just going to get dressed, and tame his hair, and we all laughed. I realised that I must look a mess too, so I excused myself to do the same, telling Chris and PJ that they could watch some TV or something.

In about fifteen minutes, I was down, but Dan still wasn't. To be honest, he would usually take a very long time to get ready, something that I found annoying when I was all ready to go out. I talked for a while with my friends, and we caught up on what everyone had been doing, seeing as I hadn't actually seen them for a while. Which was surprising, as I was usually quite good at keeping up with them- it was Dan who wasn't!

Talking of which, Dan chose this moment to enter the room, and we all let out exaggerated sighs, pretending to be checking our watches. He laughed, and we got down to deciding what we were going to do today.

"Starbucks?" Asked PJ. "We could go there, then do some shopping or something!" We all agreed, and set off soon after. However, Dan went running back into the house, because he had forgotten his oyster card and phone (as per usual!). We walked for about five minutes, before we ended up at the Starbucks nearest to us, and joined the queue. When we were served, we ordered our drinks, and sat down at a table.

"What'd you get Phil?" Dan asked me, and I told him that I got a caramel latte, the usual. It's not my fault I'm boring! For the next 45 minutes, we spent our time talking together, and Pj occasionally filming snippets of us for his vlog. It was great to catch up with them again, as we hadn't really talked properly together for a bit, though I'm not sure why. I'd talked to PJ quite recently, and the same for Chris, but I guess just not at the same time.

Well, they were talking to us now, so I don't know why I'm thinking this. I rejoined the conversation, as I hadn't been paying attention for a while, and PJ had got his camera out again. About 5 minutes later, Dan spoke up.

"Do you think we should go or something now?" He asked, and I agreed, eager to actually do something now. It wasn't like this was boring, but we had been here for a long time now!

"How about we go back to ours, and play some mario?" I asked, and Pj and Dan nodded. I looked at Chris, who seemed to be zoned out of everything, daydreaming. "Is that ok Chris?" I asked, just to make sure he had heard and was ok with that. However, he didn't acknowledge that I had said anything at all. In fact, looking at him, I could see that he was surprisingly pale, and his fists were clenched tightly.

"Chris?" Pj asked, worry evident on his face. "Chris, are you ok?" He repeated, and suddenly he looked up at PJ, confused.

"Oh, sorry, didn't know where I was for a minute." He laughed faintly, looking up at us, and seeing that we were standing up, he stood up too.

"Are you ok? You kind of zoned out on us there." PJ checked, wanting to make sure he was ok.

"Fine, I'm fine PJ," He replied. This didn't seem to make PJ any happier, and to be honest, I didn't really believe he was good either.

"Are you sure?" He asked once again.

"FINE, PJ. I'm ok!" He practically shouted, and we all went silent. A few seconds of awkwardness later, Dan had decided to break it by telling us that it would only be a short walk back to our flat, and so we set off then.

I don't know what was up with Chris, I would've been able to tell myself that it was just a daydream, until he shouted at PJ, that was. He always been one of my best friends, and it would be horrible to think that he was keeping something a secret from all of us. I suppose that everyone's allowed to have their secrets.... Anyway, he was probably just thinking about something.

True to Dan's word, we arrived back at our house within the next five minutes, and we soon forgot about what had happened in Starbucks.


	4. Chris

Chris:

That was the closest it's ever been. To be honest, it was going to happen today, seeing as this was the first time I'd been around people for about three weeks. There is a reason that I don't want to meet with people. It's not that I'm antisocial, it's that inevitably, somebody will find out about my problem. And it told me what it would do if anyone ever found out.

I think it all started about two months ago. I wasn't actually doing that bad, me and PJ were as close as we'd ever been, and I was actually gaining more subscribers than I had been for years. I guess I was finally beginning to get over my depression, and begin to be a normal functioning human being. It didn't last long. He made his first appearance a few days after I did a signing with the fans- one of the happiest months of my life, when I finally had no worries, and was enjoying myself.

I don't know what he looks like, really, either. He began off as just a voice in the back of my mind, doubting the things I was thinking. I thought I was happy, but he began to tell me how I wasn't really, and made me realise that actually, there were many things wrong with my life. I haven't posted a video since then, as I haven't really felt inclined towards doing it. He's been telling me that the number of fans I have don't really like me, that they watch me because I'm friends with PJ, Dan and Phil. He tells me that they pity me into liking my videos... And I believe him.

Staying inside all day meant that I didn't meet up with my friends either. I guess it got into a viscious circle. If I stayed inside, people wouldn't see me, and the voice told me that they didn't care for me, which made it all even worse. I hadn't really wanted to meet up with anyone today, even, as in the past week, it's become even worse. I've started to make out a black shape, out of the corner of my eye, where the voice comes from. Each day, he's becoming clearer, and I've not really wanted to do anything to help get him away.

You see, he's right, in everything he says. I am a failure, people haven't really missed my absence for months from YouTube, and my friends haven't noticed anything that is wrong about me. And PJ has been acting really weird around me, more so than Dan and Phil. It's probably because he used to spend so much time with me that he is getting tired of it. And he probably hates me now, because I shouted at him in Starbucks.

Ah yes. Starbucks. It was all going all right, my friends almost blocked out the shadowy figure in the corner of my vision, but I knew it wouldn't last long. He always does know when would be the worst time to attack. I was out of the conversation for one minute, and my mind wandered to him. He made me feel so bad, and I couldn't escape from the harsh things he was saying. Whilst it did make me feel really depressed, he had a point in everything he was saying, just like usual. He was always correct... And that was what scared me.

Anyway, when they (meaning PJ) finally got me out of my trance, the black shape faded, until it virtually disappeared. However, this just left me having to answer questions, and it wasn't like I was just going to tell them I was a crazy person seeing things no one else could. They'd desert me- think I'm crazy. That's what he says. If I tell anyone about it, I'd lose the little friendship I have with them- and that may just be enough one day to tip me over the edge.

I felt bad, once I had yelled at PJ, he looked really hurt and confused, all my fault, he probably hates me now.

He never would like you in the first place. Let alone LOVE you Chris.

Oh God. Not now, please. We were all settled, and playing mario kart, and I was happy again. He always spoils the good moments in my life.

These aren't good moments! Real people actually do exciting things with their friends. The only time you see them, you play video games. They can't like you, Chris.

He's right, I know, I tried arguing with him a long time ago, and he always proves himself to be right. My friends don't like me. PJ doesn't like me, and will never love me.

Still thinking about that, are we Chris? I've told you many times that he will never love you. I thought you knew that?

For Gods sake, not this again. I did love PJ, I know, and I always have done. It's just that he has never loved me back. I once thought that I may have a chance with him, when I first came to terms with the fact that I loved him, but then the voice started. In fact, it was probably that which began it all. Why does my life have to be so fucked up?

You're life has always been fucked up, Chris. And that's why he'll never love you. Haven't you seen the way he avoided eye contact with you today? And how he doesn't really talk to you, only to Dan and Phil? You're the outsider, Chris, everyone knows that.

"Chris? Chris?" I heard a voice say, and looked up to see Dan looking at me, once again worried. I knew I couldn't keep this up for much longer. I better get away soon. "Are you sure you're ok?"

I decided to try to be a bit more civil, as I didn't want to make him hate me too. "Yeah... I guess I'm coming down with something, I'm feeling a bit sick." I lied, holding my stomach in pretence. He immediately seemed to loosen up, but still acted worried, so hopefully that meant he believed me.

"Ok, do you need to go home? We were about done anyway, I guess." Dan asked me, and I nodded. Just then, PJ entered the room, and looked at me and Dan sitting close to each other. Something flickered across his face, was it sadness? I don't know, probably just sad from looking at me.

Dan explained what had happened to PJ, and I just sat there meekly, nodding to the things Dan was saying. Before too long, we were getting ready to go again. To be honest, I was glad to be gone. It's not that I don't want to be around them, it's just easier not to be. I'd sacrifice my happiness to know that we were still smaller friends, rather than run the risk of them finding out about my problem.

Why does it suck so much to be me?


	5. Dan

Dan:

As we said goodbye to our other two friends, me and Phil walked back inside to cook some tea for us both, as the other two hadn't stayed as long as we had thought. Due to this, we had twice as much for the fajitas we were going to have, but it wasn't like I didn't think we could eat it! I got out the ingredients, and began to chop the vegetables, trying not to cut myself in the process.

"Dan, why do I never cut the vegetables?" Phil whined, coming into the room and sitting down at the table.

"We've been through this, Phil, you can't be trusted with knives, because knowing you, you'll cut your fingers off or something!" I told him, only half joking. He pouted at me, but I wasn't having any. "Look, I've done the onions, why don't you start to cook them?"

Phil bounced up, and immediately got the frying pan out of the cupboard. Honestly, he was such a child sometimes! Moving on to the peppers, I passed the board with onions on to Phil, and he immediately put them in, making a loud sizzling noise in the oil. Carefully, he began to stir it, but stood back almost as far as he could.

"Phil, why are you standing back like that?" I asked him, as I was once again confused at my friends actions. It was something that seemed to happen on a daily basis now.

"It might spit at me, and I don't want to hurt myself." He told me, and I rolled my eyes back at him.

"It won't do, you're completely fine to go nearer to it. It's not like you're going to die from it anyway." I reassured him, and nudged him a little nearer to the pan. He smiled, and stood forwards another step, but almost immediately recoiled back.

"OW OW OW!" He shouted, and shook his hand, moving towards the sink. He turned the tap on, and I immediately dropped the knife on the table to go and help him.

"Are you ok? I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have moved forwards, it was completely my fault!" I babbled, making sure his hand was ok and not too burnt. As I looked, I saw a bright red patch on the back of it. Jeez, how much oil had gone onto it?

"It's ok, it doesn't hurt that much anymore." He told me, but I still insisted that he kept it under for another 10 minutes. In the meantime, I went to see if the onions were salvageable, or if they had completely burnt. As I got near to it, I saw exactly why Phil had gotten burnt- because the onions were practically swimming in oil.

"Phil, how much did you put in?" I asked him, torn between laughing and smacking my head at his stupidity. He mumbled something back, which sounded surprisingly like the words ' I didn't mean to!' I honestly couldn't believe that my best friend was a fully grown man, and older than me at that!

"We're not gonna be able to eat this!" I told him, as he took his hand out of the water.

"Well, why don't we order a Chinese takeaway instead then?" Phil reasoned, and I gave in. We tried to be productive, and it didn't work out. Just like usual.

*****************************************************************************************************

"Phil, you get it." I said lazily, as the doorbell rang. He reluctantly got up, as I was in my sofa crease and wasn't moving anytime soon. As he came back in, we got everything out of the bags, and started to eat it. To be honest, this was nicer than any fajitas were going to be, so it was almost worth Phil's sore hand!

I was caught out of my daydreams when Phil began to speak again.

"Did you notice anything weird about Peej and Chris today?" He asked, as I thought about it. To be honest, I did feel as if something was wrong, but I put it down as just me being silly. If he had thought that as well, then maybe there was something going on.

"I don't know, I was feeling as if we were forcing them to actually speak today." I told him, wondering if he thought the same thing.

"No, PJ was speaking fine to me, and so was Chris" He replied.

"I guess. I noticed that Chris was trying to talk to PJ, but I don't think that he wanted to reply, for some reason."

Phil looked at me, confused. I didn't know why, but it was true. PJ had barely even looked at Chris the whole day, only when Chris wasn't responding to anything. Then, he had talked a bit too much, and Chris had shouted at them. Which was another thing...

"And when Chris went off into his own world, and then shouted at PJ? Don't you think that was a bit strange?" I asked Phil again. He nodded, confirming my belief that it wasn't just all in my head.

"I don't know. Maybe they were just feeling a bit off anyway. Chris did feel a bit sick at the end, anyway." He reminded me, and I nodded slowly, not entirely convinced that it was just down to that.

"I'm just gonna keep an eye on them. We should meet up with them every so often. I don't want anything bad to happen between them." I told him, showing why I was so worried. It was silly, but if Chris and Peej had an argument, then that would affect all of us. And I know that Chris had already had friendship issues in his past. I wan't sure what would happen to him if he lost his best friend.

"Mh" Phil agreed with me, before we both began to eat our tea again. We decided to pick up where we left off the night before, at episode five of Attack on Titan. Hopefully we wouldn't fall asleep again too soon!


	6. PJ

PJ:

I fucked up.

How could I go from not talking to him at all, to talking to him so much that he ends up shouting at me? He probably hates me. He must know that I've been too clingy in the past months, and wanted to get me off his back. He hates me and I'm never going to have a chance with him. Because I'm just that annoying friend who gets too close and too annoying.

Home is all I can think about right now. I just need to go faster, and I can be back at Chris's place, and stop this awkward silence between me and him. Doing this, the car begins to speed up, until I'm going about thirty miles an hour over the limit. It wasn't like it was busy, or anything, it seemed that the roads were practically deserted, even at this time. I looked over at Chris, who was looking very pale and sickly. It must be worse than we thought.

"PJ" He suddenly said, causing me to look at him and slow down a bit. "PJ, stop. You have to stop right now." This confused me, why was he saying this? I was barely over the limit any more, but I slowed down further if it would help him.

"No. PJ, you have to stop the car. Now. Please. I can't-" He cut off, looking dead straight in front of us. I was getting quite worried at this point. It seemed that there was genuinely something bothering him, so I did as he said, and pulled into the side of the road. We were in a street that I recognised, not too far from Chris's home, in fact.

Once we had drawn to a stop, I looked over at my friend, worry probably etched on my face. "You ok, Chris? What was that back there?" I asked, not taking my eyes off him.

"Um, nothing, we can probably just go again, if you want." He told me, and I frowned, unhappy with his response. No. There was something up with him, and it seemed to me like it was more than just him feeling sick.

"No. Chris, why won't you tell me what's wrong? You've been acting off all day, and I know it's not just you feeling sick. Can't you trust me?" I practically begged him, suddenly feeling like I needed to get to the bottom of this. If Chris was struggling with something, then I needed to help him. Forget what I said earlier today, nothing bad should ever happen to him.

"I can't tell you, PJ. You wouldn't understand." He told me. So there was something up. I swear to God, if he doesn't tell me, I'll force him to.

"I would understand! You just need to tell me what's up! I can help you!" I pleaded.

"Why are you asking me this?" He randomly questioned me. "I mean, all day, you've been avoiding eye contact with me, not talking to me unless I ask you anything. And even then, you hardly even give me a reply. And the second there is something you can do to bother me, you start pestering me about something you can't help! I don't understand, PJ! I don't understand anything anymore!"

I was stunned. I hadn't meant to evoke something like this in him again. It was just like earlier! But I was only trying to help him, right? He really didn't seem ok. And I wish that I could do something to help him. But he had blatantly just told me that he hated me, so I would probably be the last person he'd tell now.

"I'm going." He suddenly muttered, and before I could do anything, he jumped out of the door, bag in hand, and turned down a dark street. The sun had set since we had left Dan and Phil's place, and I lost sight of him in seconds. Quickly, I got out of my side of the car, and ran to where he had disappeared. He wasn't anywhere to be seen, so I raced after him. There were no paths leading off anywhere, so I assumed he had just gone forwards.

As I reached the exit, I saw that this was on his street, and that his house was only a bit further away. He must have already got back then. I guessed that there was nothing else that I could really do, so I returned to my car. I'd see him in a few days anyway - I wouldn't leave him alone after what he said to me. Even if he hates me by now.

As I drove back, I didn't really notice much about my surroundings. My thoughts were on Chris, and him only. How could someone so perfect have any worries, or anything wrong with them. What was Chris hiding from me, and why was he acting so distant all the time?

I turned into my driveway, and got out of the car, locking it as I did so. When I got into the house, I immediately went to my laptop to start editing my video. There was nothing that could distract me more than making videos, even if it was nothing creative, just me and my friends. As I looked through the footage, I saw the bit where we woke Dan and Phil up, debating whether or not to put it in.

Whatever, they were practically married anyway, so it wasn't like this would shock the phandom, or anything. I continued to work my way through, putting music in the background in some places, and jumping any boring bits. When I was nearly done, I realised that I hadn't eaten anything yet. Oh well, I guess it'd probably do me good to skip a meal every so often...

About two hours later, I was finally done, and I decided to upload it on my main channel, sending a tweet out to tell everyone it was up. Not having much to do, I decided to see if any of my subscriptions had posted anything on YouTube recently. I saw that the notification said I had one, and clicked to see who it was.

Crabstickz

Quitting YouTube- For real this time, guys

 

Oh shit.


	7. Phil

Phil:

Beep! Beep!

I rolled over in bed to hear my phone ringing. Wondering who was calling me, I saw that it was PJ, and I became even more confused. Why would he be phoning me at midnight? Wait, so I had only been asleep for about half an hour? I answered the phone, and PJ began to talk, almost immediately.

"Phil! Have you seen? Oh my God, I feel so bad, I should've stayed with him, or followed him back to his house today, but he went and did this? Phil, help me, please?" He babbled, sounding as if he was close to tears. I was so confused right now. What the heck was he talking about?

"Slow down a minute, Peej. What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to get a little bit of information out of him.

"Haven't you seen Chris's video?" He asked, sounding frantic. I told him that I hadn't, as I had been sleeping, and reached out for my laptop to see if he had uploaded something. As I lifted the lid, it bleeped at me, and cut out. Great. Out of charge.

"Listen, I'm out of charge, so I'm gonna go get Dan and see if I can borrow his laptop. Kay?" I asked him, and he mumbled something in return. I went out of my door, and towards Dan's room, where he was, unsurprisingly, awake on his laptop.

"Phil?" Dan asked me. "What are you doing?" I told him why PJ had phoned me, and together, we logged onto YouTube to see what he had uploaded. As soon as we saw the title, our minds filled with dread. As we clicked on it, Chris's face appeared on the screen, unsmiling, and red eyes.

"Hey" He began. We looked on, attentively. "This is kinda ironic, really, isn't it? We've been here before, me saying that I'm 'Quitting YouTube'- apart from, that time it wasn't for real. This time, I'm completely stopping making videos. I guess I owe you an explanation, really.

"I can't properly tell you what's going on, as it's quite personal to me, and not something I want to share with the web. Or," He said, after a pause. "With any of my friends who may be watching this. I've never been the best at keeping to deadlines, or uploading regularly. But, at least you got something then. And recently, I've had help to realise that I don't really mean anything, and that YouTube won't really miss me, to be perfectly honest.

"And before you all start to rattle off with your 'I love you, Chris'- I don't need to know that. I thank you for all the support you've given me, but I know that it's the truth. I can see it now. This has been a long time coming, so I guess, here it is! I'm giving up, guys. I can't even try anymore.

"So, bye then. And... Thanks, for it all guys." He finished, and his face blinked off the screen. I just looked at Dan, and he looked back at me.

"Oh my God." He said, and I wasn't sure what else to say. Me and Dan had thought that something was up, but not something this huge!

"Did you watch it?" PJ asked, brining us back to why we were here in the first place. We told him that we had, and he began to talk really quickly again. "Dan, Phil, it's all my fault! That's what he meant by saying that he's had help to realise it! It was all my fault, it was because of me, and now he's stopped YouTube, and I don't know what to do!" He practically screamed, as I looked over at Dan, who had also heard as I had put the phone on loud speaker.

"Peej, calm down, don't be silly, how can it be your fault?" I asked him, trying to get him to stop shouting so much, and to tell me why he thought he was to blame. Which he couldn't be, of course. What could PJ have done to make Chris sad enough to quit YouTube? Me and Dan listened, as PJ began telling us about what had happened since he had taken off from our house. We didn't interrupt him, until he was done about fifteen minutes later.

"That can't be your fault!" Dan told him, loud enough for the phone to pick it up too. "It sounds like there was something wrong with him, maybe he was feeling a bit down or something."

"Down, Dan? How can quitting YouTube be classed as just down?" PJ shouted at him, and immediately sighed, before apologising. "I'm sorry. I'm just... Tired, and confused, and I just don't know what to do."

"I'll be round in about twenty minutes, will that be ok?" I heard Dan ask, looking at me as he said it. I suppose the question was to both of us, and i nodded in response. If he went to see PJ, then I could see Chris, and check to see what was up with him. But both our friends needed us right now.

"Thanks, Dan. But I can't leave Chris alone, I should go round, even if he hates me right now." PJ said, his voice cracking at the last line, as he let out a small sob. Dan better get there soon.

"No, I'll go see Chris, PJ. It'll be fine." I reassured him, making sure that he knew I would be looking after his best friend. Dan smiled at me, sadly, and knowing what we had to do.

"Ok," PJ finished. "I'll see you then, Dan?" He asked, and he told him that he would. I hung up, and turned to Dan.

"We better get changed." I said, and he nodded. "We'll catch the tube down, it'll only take a few minutes, and the trains will be practically empty." He nodded once again, and I left for my room so that we could get ready. It was as I was doing this that the reality of the situation fully hit me. I had only been worried for PJ and why he had been so distressed, but now I realised that one of my best friends had really been sad enough to quit YouTube? Me and Dan needed to help our friends.


	8. Chris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, just warning you, trigger warnings for this chapter, but not for anything like self harm, or suicide. Just depressing thoughts, possibly suicidal thoughts, but not really properly. Just a heads up if you're sensitive to these topics, just some depressing thoughts, with the schizophrenia and stuff!

Chris:

Just get it over with, Chris. You saw how your best friend treated you back there. He couldn't care, or he would've stopped asking when you told him that it wasn't important. And now you can see that I was right all along. Nobody loves you, PJ hates you, Dan and Phil can hardly call themselves your friends, and nobody watches your videos anyway!

He had appeared at the worst possible time. For a long time, he had just been the presence on the right hand side of my vision, but on the journey back, I began to make out his shape in front of the car. It was the first time I saw his face, his lip curled in a menacing smile, and his eyes were black, like soulless pits. He was a representation of what was inside me, the depressed, darker side to me that I had to keep a secret. If I told anyone, they'd think that I'm a monster.

They have every right to, Chris. I am a part of you, representing your proper side. I AM you, Chris. One day, I'll properly control all of your body. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. Because you're weak. You're pathetic. You're a pitiful excuse for a human being. And your friends will see this, and finally turn on you. You don't deserve them, anyway. Who really cares about you?

I guess that's what tipped me over the edge. It had been a long time coming anyway, it wasn't like I uploaded as much as I used to. Who would really mind if I was gone from the internet? Gone from everyone's lives? I set up the tripod, not really caring about what I looked like. This would be my last ever upload to YouTube, last ever upload to the Crabstickz channel.

"Hey" I began, before basically saying exactly what was on my mind. As I recorded it, I saw him behind the camera. Not fully in my line of vision, like when I was in the car with PJ, but definitely further forwards than he had been before today. It was getting worse- just another reason to stop YouTube. They couldn't see the monster I was becoming- or was already a part of.

As I finished, I lazily took the camera down from it's stand, and I took out the SD card, inserting it into my computer. I couldn't really be bothered with anything (like editing) at this point, so I just cropped out the beginning and the ending, ready to get into bed instead. I uploaded it ten minutes before midnight, figuring that none of my 'friends' would see it until tomorrow. I'd have a peaceful night tonight.

Peaceful night? Do you really think that you deserve a peaceful night, Chris? He asked, coming nearer towards me every second. I tried to block him out, to avert my eyes from his form, but he moved with my vision. He couldn't just let me have one night, could he? I knew that this was the worst time for me, when I would lie in bed, awake for half the night, but it was different today. I thought that quitting YouTube would get him off my back, that he would leave me alone, as I finally did as he asked.

I guess he didn't care.

Of course I don't care, Chris. But does anyone care about you anymore? Where are your friends? Who loves you?

Nobody, he was always right. I shook my head, trying to get him to go away, trying in vain. I ended up just curled up in a ball, hugging my knees, as I tried to forget about everything. Maybe that would be best. That's what he's telling me. Maybe that way, I could finally get rid of him. I need to f-

Beep-beep. Beep-beep.

My phone. Who was it? Someone actually texted me? Did someone care. As I opened my eyes again, I saw the figure receding into his corner. Hope. Hope kept my looking forwards. As long as there was something to hope for, there would be no need to feel fear. I looked at the screen, and saw that I had seven texts. All of them seemed to be from Phil.

Chris, are you In?

What are you doing, I'm at your front door?

Please let me in, I can hear movement from upstairs.

Chris, you need to let me in right now.

I'm gonna force this door open if you don't open it!

I think I remember where the spare key is, anyway!

Come on, Chris. I'm here to help you. Please!

It was only now that I heard the banging on the door that must've been from Phil. The oldest text was only two minutes ago, he hadn't been waiting for long, but I hadn't actually noticed him there. I quickly put on my jumper again, and rushed down to the door. Phil was actually here to help me.

"Phil! I'm so sorry, I didn't hear the door, I was, uh, sleeping!" I shouted, as he came in. He looked at me, saw the rings around my eyes, and saw right through my disguise. I wasn't ok, and wouldn't be for a long time, if ever.

"Chris." He simply said, before enveloping me in a hug. Did I forget to mention how comforting Phil's hugs were? I let myself fall apart in it, and I finally let the tears out. He patted my back, knowing that I needed a shoulder to lean on at this moment. We stood there for about five minutes, before I pulled back and looked at him.

"I'm sorry. I made you get up at this time of night. I didn't know that you'd be awake. I'm sorry, you should go, get to sleep, I'll be fine, I-" I began, before Phil cut me off.

"Chris, you don't have to be strong around me. I know there's something bothering you, and I want you to know that I'm here to help you. Whatever, and whenever you want to open up to me." He said. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. He stopped the figure from taunting me, from making me do something I'm sure I'd regret. He came to me, to help me.

"Is Dan sleeping?" I asked him, confused as I knew that Dan and Phil were virtually joined at the hip. He looked at me, shifting his eyes from left to right.

"Er, he's gone to see PJ. He wasn't feeling good, er, something happened... When- when he got home." Phil told me. He was lying, I could tell, but why? Was he trying to cover up something?

Wait, PJ was with Dan at the moment? That couldn't mean... No, that wouldn't be right, I'm just assuming the worst, as I always do. PJ was allowed to have his problems, God knows I have mine. All that matters, is that in this moment, I had one of my best friends by my side, who was willing to help me. And that's all I needed to know.


	9. Dan

Dan:

"I'll get the tube back tomorrow, as I'll stay over at PJ's today, kay?" I asked Phil, as the tube started to stop at the station nearer to PJ's house. The tube had been deserted, as we had expected, so we were as quick as we had hoped to be.

"Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow, as no matter what he says, I'm gonna stay with Chris. I don't know what's wrong, but I'll try to get him to tell me." Phil replied, as the doors opened. I shouted a quick goodbye to him, before getting out of the tube and setting off towards PJ's house at a quick pace. Luckily, he lived only a short walk away from the station, so I found myself nearing his house in a matter of minutes.

As I turned a corner, and saw PJ's house, I saw him through the window, sitting on a sofa, hugging his knees. I immediately picked up my pace, as he looked really tired. Well, not that I wasn't, but I had done all nighters many times. Even if I didn't get too good a sleep last night, either. I reached his door, and knocked on it, before realising that it was unlocked. I stepped through, and quickly took off my shoes and coat, abandoning them by the foot of the stairs.

"Peej?" I asked, entering the living room and seeing that he hadn't moved from where he was before. I went over to him, and sat down next to him, wondering what I should do. I'm one of the most awkward people out there, so in a situation like this, I wasn't sure what exactly I was meant to do. I was saved from doing something stupid, when PJ spoke up. Well, I say spoke, but in reality it was such a quiet whisper that I barely heard it myself.

"It's my fault" He told me, looking at me, eyes blotchy and red. He looked terrible, me and Phil couldn't have guessed how worried he was for his best friend.

"Of course you're not! You told me what happened, and it wasn't your fault!" I told him, putting my arm around his shoulder and trying to comfort him.

"But it was, though! We hadn't seen each other for ages, and the day we do, I annoy him, and he snaps! Why would it be anyone else's fault?" He asked me, leaning into my body to lean on it.

"It was nobodies fault, PJ. He was feeling off today, and I don't know why, but it was because of that that he was so snappy all day." I tried to reason with him, finding myself rubbing circles on his back. "And anyway, it's not like this is a particularly bad argument! I wouldn't stop my YouTube channel just because Phil and I had an argument!"

"I guess," PJ said, finally sounding a bit better. I smiled at him, and he stood up. "I'll go and get some tea, if you want some?" He asked, as I nodded.

"I'll come and help, though," I told him, and we both walked into the kitchen, him getting two mugs out, and me beginning to fill the kettle up with water. I put it in its place, and flicked it on, watching as it began to boil. After a minute, it was ready, and I poured it into the mugs, leaving them to soak in.

"Are you really ok?" I asked PJ, looking at him with seriousness in my eyes. He shifted them away, trying to escape my look and the question I had asked him. I wasn't having any of it, and put my hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to talk. He was obviously hiding something.

"I..." He began, before looking down at his feet again.

"Look, whatever it is, you know that I won't tell anyone, right?" I told him. He snorted, a small smile appearing on his face.

"You'd tell Phil. Of course." He replied. "And I don't want anyone else to know. Not until I can tell them in person." I nodded slowly, understanding why he wouldn't want me to tell anyone. Even Phil.

"I won't tell him. And anyway, there's nothing you can tell me that'll make me run away from you." I chided him, and he was just about to speak again, when he realised that we hadn't finished making out tea. He started busying himself, putting the tea bags into the bin, and handing me mine. We moved into the living room, despite the fact that I knew I had almost gotten PJ to tell me what was up.

"Peej, I don't want to force you to tell me anything, but I know that I can help you, whatever it is." I pleaded once again. Something flashed across his eyes, before he looked up at me, seemingly more confident.

"I... I'm..." He began, before swallowing. "I think that I'm... I'm gay."

I smiled at him, a genuine bright smile on my face, and I saw his eyes light up. "That's great, Peej! How long have you known?" I asked him, and I saw him visibly relax.

"Um, about five months, I think. I was never really attracted to anyone before, until then, when I-" He cut off suddenly, going red and looking away again. Not wanting to pry, but genuinely curious as to who he was talking about, I went to ask him.

"What made you realise? Or, who?" I asked him, and he muttered something under my breath. Raising my eyebrow, I asked him the same question again.

"Nobody important." He mumbled, and I gave him a look. Looking back at me, he began to reply again.

"I... You won't tell anyone, again, will you? Please, I'd die if he found out!" He asked me again, and I nodded, beginning to figure out who it was. Well, I'd always had my suspicions, but I'd never have thought they were real.

"Chris" He whispered, and the smile that I had already been wearing grew into one twice as big. He went bright red, and hid his head in his hands. So this was why he was so affected by all that had happened today. And maybe that was why he was acting so distant towards Chris today, maybe he was worried about something. But at least I knew what was now up with him.


	10. PJ

PJ:

I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I feel great to have finally gotten it all off my chest, and to have finally told someone about me being gay... But on the other hand, I had trusted Dan with my biggest secret. And it's not that I don't want people to know about it. It's the fact that the second I tell people that I like boys, they'll start jumping to conclusions, assuming that me and Chris are dating, because that's what shippers do, right? And then things'll start getting even more awkward than they are at the moment, which is the opposite of anything I want.

And the worst thing about it would be that Chris would easily find out. I'm so happy that Dan is fine with it, but I really don't know how everyone else will react. I'd probably lose lots of subscribers, start getting hate, and I wouldn't be able to deal with that. However, to have told Dan makes me feel a whole lot better, and I think that (in time) I'll be able to tell everyone else. In time.

"It's like, two in the morning and we're here, talking and drinking tea!" Dan pointed out, and I laughed. Maybe it was best for us to go to sleep now, presuming Dan wanted to stay over, I mean, he wasn't exactly going to go home now.

"Yeah, we should probably go to bed now. And, before you say anything, there's no way you're going home at two o'clock!" I told him, and he nodded, agreeing. It was only then that I noticed the bags under his eyes, and realised how tired he must be, having come round to my house to help me at such a late time.

"Should I sleep on the sofa, then?" He asked me.

"If you don't mind..." I trailed off, not wanting to be rude, but needing to get a good sleep myself tonight. Plus, it'd be a bit awkward if he slept in my bed too.

"No, of course I don't mind!" He replied, smiling at me again. "You look positively drowsy, you get some sleep." I nodded, and got out a spare blanket from the store cupboard in the hallway, chucking it towards Dan. Soon, I was in my own bed, and falling asleep quicker than ever before.

********************************************************************************************

"PJ!" Somebody shouted from across the room, and I looked up, trying to make out who it was. "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?" They shouted, and I suddenly froze. How did they know?

My eyes adjusted, and I saw that what I thought was one person, was actually all three of my best friends. And they were all looking at me with disgust in their eyes. I shrunk away from them, only to find that I was up against a wall.

"Dan's told us everything." Phil spat, and my eyes trailed to Dan's, hoping to see some regret, or at least a little compassion within him. I was met with a sneer, something that I hadn't ever seen on his face.

"Dan! I- I thought..." I tried to plead with him, knowing that last night, he had smiled, and fully accepted me. Was it all an act, so that he could get away and tell the others about me?

"You thought I accepted you?" He asked, and they all laughed, scornfully. "You thought we would like you? How could we like someone like you?"

His words stung me, and my heart rate increased. So they knew? Did Dan tell Chris about my other secret? As if he had read my mind, Chris began to talk again. "Of course I'd never love you, PJ. I'm straight. I'm normal. Nobody will love you. Especially not me!"

********************************************************************************************

I woke up in a cold sweat, my eyes suddenly open, and my breathing was fast. It was all a dream. I was ok. Quickly, I got into the shower, and began to get ready for the day. I still wasn't able to completely shake off my dream, but the shower helped, and I soon found myself going downstairs to see if Dan was awake yet. As I walked into the living room, I saw that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa anymore, so he must've been somewhere else.

"Dan?" I called out, wondering if he was making breakfast in the kitchen, or something. When he didn't reply, I began to get worried. Maybe he didn't hear me. I walked into each room, and looked to see if he was there. When he wasn't in any of them, I began to panic.

What if he had gone to tell Chris and Phil about me? What if it was just like in my dream? I started to get really shaky, so I sat down at the kitchen table, worry filling my mind. No, think logically PJ, he's one of your best friends, he wouldn't do that to you. Would he?

I turned my phone on, and looked to see if Dan had texted me at all from last night. When I saw that he hadn't, I decided to send one myself.

Hey, where are you? - PJ

A few tense minutes of waiting later, I felt my phone buzz in my pocked, and I quickly rushed to see if he had replied.

Ah, sorry, I forgot to leave a note, I didn't think you'd wake up this early! I saw that you were out of bread and milk, so I'm at the shops. Anything else you need? - Dan

I face palmed. Of course Dan wouldn't do that to me! I trusted him, and I was right to. Once my mini panic was over, I replied to Dan, telling him that I didn't have anything I needed him to buy, and that it was ok that he left to get it.

After about fifteen minutes, I heard someone unlocking the door, and I realised that he must have taken the spare keys, so that he could lock up. As he came in, I saw that he hadn't only bought breakfast things, but that he had also bought a few packets of sweets and some maltesers. I took the bag from him, and put the bread and milk away, whilst he sat down at the table.

"What should we do today?" He asked me, as I too sat down.

"I don't mind!" I replied, happy that everything was alright. My dream seemed very, very far away, now.


	11. Phil

Phil:

As soon as I had gotten into Chris's house, I just remember hugging him. We sat, as he leaned on my shoulder, and watched some TV together, him with a blanket over him. I felt like he was happy, maybe he wasn't going through the best period of his life, but if I was helping him, just by staying near him, then I was doing something right. I think, in the end, that Chris fell asleep, and I moved to the other sofa, making sure he was comfortable first, but then falling off to sleep myself. I was so tired, that I didn't really remember much, just odd bits and pieces. Me trying to find the remote, and laughing with Chris as we realised he was sitting on it. Chris laughing a genuine laugh at the program we were watching.

When I woke up, I felt a pain in my neck, before realising that my head was resting on the arm of the sofa. Not the best place to have fallen asleep, but the pain went away within a few minutes. Standing up, I looked across to see Chris still sleeping, so I crept out and began to make two cups of tea, intending to leave one on the table next to the sofa. Whilst I waited for the kettle to boil, I decided to see if Dan was up.

Hey, you up yet? - Phil

It didn't take him long to reply, which was surprising, as I would've assumed that he would be still asleep, as he usually slept as long as he could.

Phil, you are a saint! I was all ready to go out to buy some things for breakfast, but couldn't find my phone, and you texting me reminded me that I'd put it into charge! :) - Dan

I smiled, Dan was the kind of person who'd lose his phone about five times a day, especially if he was in a different house to usual! But Dan was going out at 10 o'clock?

Haha! How is PJ? - Phil

I quickly pressed send, eager to find out if he was doing better than the last time I spoke to him. I patiently waited, but after half a minute, the kettle went off, and I poured the hot water into our mugs. Waiting another two minutes, I distracted myself by playing a number of rounds on crossy road, annoying myself when I died a stupid death, only seven away from my high score!

Looking back down at the tea mugs, I saw that they were ready, and I poured in the mug, took the teabags to the bin, and took them into the other room, my phone in my pocket. I sat back down on the sofa, seeing as Chris was still asleep, and I saw that Dan had replied as I had walked back in.

He's fine now. Managed to make him believe that it wasn't his fault that Chris left YouTube! - Dan

I smiled, before replying again.

That's great news! How long do you think you'll be staying? - Phil

I double clicked the home button, and returned to my game, but sighed as the game refreshed. It just loaded, when Dan replied. Typical.

Idk, probably until you get back home, there's no point in both me and PJ having nothing to do. Have you talked to Chris yet? - Dan

No, we didn't really talk much last night, I'll probably ask him about it today - Phil

Oh, ok! I'm back at the house now, and PJ's up, so I guess I'll ttyl! - Dan

I smiled as he replied, wondering how I'd go about asking Chris when he woke up. I guess I'd just have to take it carefully, and not rush into things too quickly. It could, quite literally, be anything that is bothering him, from something quite small, to something that could actually put his life in danger.

After another few minutes of mindlessly playing simple tapping games, Chris began to stir, and I looked up.

"Why am I on the so-" He began to ask, but was cut off with a yawn. I laughed, and he smiled back at me.

"You fell asleep here last night, and I didn't want to wake you, so I just left you there." I explained, before indicating his cup of tea, and telling him to drink it.

"Thanks" He replied, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Unlike me, he hadn't been up and able to sort out his hair, so it was all over the place, looking very messy. We sat there together, both drinking our drinks, and Chris checking his phone to see if he had any messages or anything since the last time he checked.

"Chris," I began, tentatively, about to ask him what was wrong. "What's been up, lately? You've seemed a bit... Off?" He snorted.

"Oh yeah, Chris quit YouTube, maybe there's something up with him? I don't know, maybe I should go and ask him in person!" He said, sarcastically.

"I didn't mean that, Chris. I mean in general, too. When you zoned out, didn't respond, PJ's been really worried about you, he was talking to me on the phone, you know." I told him, not trying to let him get the wrong impression. Instead of him snapping at me, like I expected he would do, he just sighed, and hung his head.

"I wish I could tell you, Phil, I really wish I could. But... You would think differently about me if I did." He told me, and I quickly shook my head.

"Chris, we've known each other for so long, I really don't think that anything you say will change the way I think about you!" I reasoned with him, and I saw something flicker in his eyes. He mumbled something to himself, as if he was fighting with something, before he looked up at me again, with confidence in his eyes.

"He told me that if I told you, you'd hate me. But I can't live with it any longer, without even trying to get rid of him!" Chris said, confusing me. Who was he? What the hell was he talking about?

"For the past five months, someone has been in the corner of my eye, whenever I'm feeling insecure, or depressed, and he's been telling me things that really hurt me. But the thing is, he is me, he is the other side of me that I don't see, he is the monster in me, and he told me that if I told anyone, that they'd see this part of me, and be repulsed, and not want to be near me anymore. But if I keep it all bottled in, he'll grow so much that my real personality is the other side, and he'll dominate my actions, and I'll become him, not me, so much so that you'll notice anyway, and go away from me!" Chris practically screamed, as tears began to run down his cheeks.

"Chris" I said, before leaning in to hug him, once again. I felt tears at my eyes, as I realised that he had been battling this for five months, without telling anyone. "It'll be ok, I don't blame you, it's not your fault! He isn't the real you!"


	12. Chris

Chris:

Why the fuck did I just tell Phil all that? My biggest secret? One the I couldn't tell anyone else? And I have just gone and told one of my best friends that I am a monster? He's gonna hate me, and he's gonna tell Peej, who'll also hate me for who I am now, and Dan too. I could feel tears streaming down my face, as I finished shouting and telling Phil about everything. And as bad as me telling him made me feel, it also felt good. Like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. As clichéd as fuck as that sounded.

"Chris. It'll be ok, I don't blame you, it's not your fault. He isn't the real you!" Phil said, as he hugged me close, and for a second, I believed him. It just felt so amazing (no pun intended) to finally have told someone, and for them not to have left me by myself, thinking I was a crazy lunatic. All of Phil's words felt comforting.

"It'll be ok," Hopefully, I will be able to get better, someday, with help. "I don't blame you," Thank God, it's the only thing I'd been worried about for months. People finding out and telling me that I was the cause of it all. "It's not your fault." It wasn't my fault, something that the shadow had been trying to tell me, and something that I had been starting to believe. But to hear someone else telling me the opposite, it really made me feel as if, just maybe, the black shadow wasn't right in all its assumptions. "He isn't the real you!" He wasn't.

Maybe he was the side of me that nobody else saw. Maybe that side was all of my bad stuff, mixed up into one horrible creature. But maybe everyone had their bad points, had things they were insecure about, and maybe they didn't always have to define the real you. Maybe I could fight this shadow.

Because, it isn't a he anymore, it's an it. It isn't me, it isn't a human, it's my problems, and it doesn't deserve a title of 'he'.

"How often does he appear, Chris?" Phil asked, bringing me back to the real world, and I realised that Phil didn't really know anything. He deserved the truth, for not abandoning me. Well, most truths anyway.

"It", I began, really emphasizing the word, "appears whenever I'm alone. It basically adds fuel to the fire, the fire being my insecurities and worries, and the fuel being the insults it throws at me. But the worst thing is, it produces logic behind the reason, so I've been believing the things it says, every time."

"Chris, you don't have to, or anything, but I think that it'd really help you if you told me which things you were insecure about, and why, because then I can tell you exactly how they're silly things to be worrying about!" Phil offered, and I smiled, having already decided to basically tell him everything, anyway.

"The first thing, I think, that properly started it all off, was the fact that I'm... bisexual" I told Phil, hoping that if he was ok with me having voices in my head, the he'd be ok with me liking males, just as much as females.

"Well, why should you be insecure about that, it's great! 50% more people to choose from, you could say!" Phil laughed, and I joined in. Really, us two laughing once I'd told him two of my biggest secrets genuinely made me feel so warm inside. I couldn't have asked for a better friend at this point in time.

"What else?" Phil asked, and I looked up at him, both of us serious again.

"Well, it keeps on trying to tell me that none of you guys like me, and that nobody really cares about what I do." I mumbled quickly, ashamed at what I had previously believed, now knowing that it was the complete opposite. Well, maybe for Dan and Phil, PJ still hadn't really talked to me...

"Bull shit!" Phil said suddenly, startling me because he almost never swore. I braced myself for his telling off. "I can't believe anything could make you feel like that. And I can't believe that you've been so strong with it for all this time."

I looked at him, confused. "Wait, so you're not blaming me for not telling you, or telling me off for thinking the wrong things?" I asked him, genuinely bewildered as to why he wouldn't do those things.

"Of course not! Chris, how can I blame you for something that wasn't your fault? And anyway," He said, continuing, "We do all really like you, you're our best friend. Sure, Dan and I may live together, but you and PJ are practically joined at the hip! If the shadow could make you forget all that, all the great things we've done together, then it must be really strong. And you've had the pressure of it on your back for so long. It's not your fault!" He finished, smiling at me.

"But... I don't know if it's just me, but PJ hasn't been acting the same towards me for a long time, either." I told him, and he looked thoughtful.

"Dan's with PJ at the moment, because PJ's been feeling a bit rough recently, so I bet that's why! You're just bigging up tiny problems, Chris, because of the dark shape you see. Now come on," Phil told me, before standing up. "You need to get ready!"

I frowned, ready for what? Reluctantly, I went upstairs to get dressed properly, as I was still in the clothes I wore yesterday. After showering, and sorting out my hair (at last!) I went back downstairs, to find Phil had made me some toast, and was putting away our mugs in the dishwasher.

"What did I need to particularly get ready for?" I asked him, as I began to eat my toast.

"We're going to go to town today and have a really fun day, just you and me, and definitely not your black shadow!" He told me, and I smiled. That did sound good.


	13. Dan

Dan:

We were soon ready to head out, as we had both decided that we were going to go to town, find some stuff for PJ to make a cool video with, before going somewhere for lunch. We decided to get the train, instead of taking PJ's car, as we it would be more exciting (according to Peej)! We waked out of the door, beginning to talk to each other.

"Wait, so the reason that you've not been talking to Chris much recently is because you secretly have us crush on him?" I asked him, wanting to get it all straight. PJ turned red, and looked to his feet in embarrassment.

"Well, yes. Cause I know that I'll either give something away or act really pushy towards him if I'm always around him." He replied, and I mentally face palmed. Was he really this stupid?

"Look, Peej, the only way you're going to know if Chris likes you back, is if you actually make sure you're around him a bit. Also, he's gonna be a bit annoyed if you suddenly don't want to be with him. It'll be the opposite of what you want!" I told him, and he sighed.

"Yeah, I know that now. But I didn't before, ok?" He told me, and I laughed slightly. This boy was so hopelessly in love with his best friend. I let my mind wander, thinking off all the times they had played around with the kickthestickz stuff, and PJ had only realised that he felt that way five months ago? Talk about being oblivious!

"So in that case, you're gonna text him right now, and ask if he wants to meet up later, right?" I asked him, smirking slightly as PJ opened his eyes wide in shock.

"NO! I can't do that!" He half laughed, half shouted in worry.

"Why not?" I asked him, still smirking and enjoying myself a lot more than I should be doing.

"Because he probably doesn't want to after last night!" He shouted, and I shook my head.

"Of course he will! It doesn't matter if you shouted at him, but he is probably in need of a good friend, seeing as Phil will have to go back later, as he hasn't really got much stuff at Chris's house. Come on, Peej!" I pleaded with him, ready to go down with this ship. I'm sure that Chris must've, at some point, doubted his feelings for PJ. Right?

"Look, I'll do it when we get back from town, ok?" He asked, and I nodded. Mission accomplished... Nearly. The tube journey wasn't as long as we had expected, so we soon found ourselves walking around a shopping centre, not really looking for anything in particular, but just wondering around, peeking into shop windows to see if there was anything we wanted. When we got to a shop that had Halloween decorations in it's display, we decided that we had to go in and act like kids again!

It wasn't a particularly big shop, but it was basically all about Halloween, and me and Peej immediately went to the pumpkin section, ready to buy the biggest pumpkins we could find for each of our houses! Halloween was only in a few days, so it wasn't like we were that early! I decided to get some cobwebs to place around the house, and PJ bought some hanging spiders. We laughed a lot, trying on various different masks and wigs, before we decided that it was probably best for our health that we didn't get anything else!

It was then that we realised that we would have to carry our pumpkins around with us for the whole day, and we both suddenly realised our stupidity. Oh well! As we got to a clothes shop, PJ suddenly jumped, as he remembered what he needed to buy.

"I was meant to buy some new skinny jeans today, as I ruined my last ones in a video!" He told me, so we went into the shop. It took him a long time for him to find the right ones, despite me protesting that they all looked fine, I mean (not that I was one to talk), but they all looked the same to me! Finally, he settled on one pair, and went in to try them on, leaving me with the two pumpkins outside. I got out my phone, to check twitter, and I was doing so for about half a minute, before I suddenly heard my name being called out.

"DAN!" Someone shouted, and I looked over to see Phil and Chris there, both smiling at me. They came over to me, and we began talking.

"Why are you here?" I asked them, surprised that I'd see them at all!

"Same reason as you, I assume. We had nothing better to do, so decided to have fun in town! Are those pumpkins?" Phil replied, and I nodded.

"Yup! One for me, and one for Peej!" I explained. Chris looked at me.

"Where is PJ? Trying something on?" He asked, and I nodded again. We talked for another five minutes, before PJ finally came out of the changing rooms. He looked at Chris and Phil, before looking at me, and I could see a slight panic in his eyes.

"Shall we go and pay for them, Peej?" I asked, finding an excuse to talk to him alone. He nodded, and I told the others that we'd meet them outside. As they walked off, I saw Chris talking fervently to Phil. Me and Peej queued up, as we waited for the line to go down.

"See, you have no choice now, other than to invite him round later, right?" I asked him, and he went red and started fiddling with his jeans.

"I guess so," He replied, and looked a bit worried still. "But what if he doesn't want to hang out with me?"

"He will, especially after last night, he'll probably want to be around someone. Plus, Phil and I will be going back to our house anyway, so it would be pretty pointless you both having nothing to do!" I reminded him.

"Fine" He said, and I smiled. "But your going to stay with me in town at least until after lunch!"


	14. PJ

PJ:

WHY? Why did I have to see Chris again, so soon after telling Dan that I had fallen in love with him? Today was going to be really awkward, especially since there was no getting out of it either. But I was going to do better today. I'd actually talk to Chris, engage in conversation with him, and try to act better than I had been before. Because if he really was noticing and getting sad about it, as Dan had said, then that wasn't a good thing!

"Is that all?" The lady at the till asked, brining me back to reality. I smiled at her, before replying.

"Yes, thanks!" I told her, putting on a cheery face and trying to think about other things, not just Chris. Chris this, Chris that, I'm so hopelessly in love with him. I remember when I first started having these feelings about him, how I used to try to deny them, tried to see him as my best friend instead. But five months of feeling the same things really do make you sure about something. The worst parts were all of the 'kickthestickz' moments that we had done for our videos. It was torturous, being just there, but not near enough.

"That'll be £24.95, please." She told me, and I handed over a twenty and a five pound note, waiting for her to give me my 5p change. She fumbled in her till, before handing over the small, silver coin, which I promptly shoved in my pocked, probably destined to break the washing machine or something. I thanked her, before me and Dan walked off to find the others.

"PJ! DAN!" Chris called, and we saw that they were sat at a table on the outside of a small cafe, with two empty chairs next to each of them. Looking at Chris smiling made something inside of me begin to stir, and I felt oddly nervous towards sitting down. He had the prettiest smile ever, and I couldn't help but grin back at him, finally feeling like I didn't have to act around him. If Dan had told me to be myself, then I'd do it, especially if it made Chris happy.

Dan sat down first, on the seat next to Phil (of course), so I sat down next to Chris, who was still smiling very brightly. He seemed so happy! Wait- were we meant to bring up what happened last night? Or were we just going to forget it happened, and pretend that it wasn't happening. I guess if Phil had talked to him, and convinced him to be happy enough to come out today, then Phil should know what to do, and we should stay out of it. So long as he was happy.

"Hey! You look good today." I told him, truthfully, because he did. It was nice to see a real difference to the Chris from yesterday. As I said this, I could swear I saw him go slightly red for a second, and smile a small smile to himself.

"Thanks. You too!" He muttered, quietly. I looked over to see Dan smirking, and giving me a thumbs up sign. I scowled at him, before asking everyone if they were going to order food. We all agreed to eat here, so we went up to buy our food. As I paid and waited for my coffee to be made, we all started talking again. I had a great idea for a story that I wanted to tell them about, but Dan and Phil seemed off in their own world, so I ended up just telling Chris. We talked all the way back to the table, where the four of us sat down and began to eat.

It was a while later when our sandwiches had been consumed, and coffees drunk, and we were at a loss of things to do. After all, it was only yesterday that we had last met up, before all this had happened. It seemed too long ago.

"Well, we should probably get going back to the house, I really feel like I need to change out of these clothes!" Dan told us, and we laughed. Phil looked slightly worried, though.

"So long as you are ok with that." He said, looking pointedly at Chris. Chris's face went a little tense for a minute, before he opened his mouth to speak. I don't know what he had told Phil, but it seemed important. Just as he was going to reply, I butted in.

"Nah, it's cool, Chris can come over to mine!" I told them, mainly shocking myself. Chris visibly relaxed, as he nodded back to me, smiling. Dan raised his eyebrow, so that only I could see it, and smirked once again. I felt my cheeks heating up slightly, so looked away instead. Why did I have to be this awkward?

"Ok then, I think Phil and I will be heading off back now!" Dan told us, and within seconds, they were gone. I looked over at Chris. Did he even want to come round? What if this was just another chore to him?

"Thanks for offering to have me round? What're we gonna do?" He asked, smiling at me. I mentally breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he did want to come round, because I did want to see him, despite how awkward I was sure to act.

"I don't know! I've got a pumpkin, so we could go and find another one for you, and carve them?" I asked, not sure if he would want to do that. He nodded, and we set off to find the perfect pumpkin! As we got the store again, we saw that it had been restocked, and the top one was nearly twice as big as mine. Chris immediately run to claim it, before a family in front of us could get it instead. It was lucky that my house was only a few stops on the tube away from here, as we weren't going to get very far with that weighing us down!

About thirty minutes later, I was unlocking the door to my apartment, and we were going in. I finally put the ginormous pumpkin down, as I had ended up carry it (trust Chris)!

"Do you want a drink?" I asked him, getting to glasses out.

"Just some water, please." He replied, and I turned the tap on, filling both of the glasses. As I did so, he started looking around the room to find us some utensils to use with the carving. He found two bigger knifes to use, as I returned with our drinks. I got out two pens to mark them with, and we began! I decided to record a bit of it for my side channel, as I knew that the fans loved to see any short video.

"I'm gonna go for Isaac, I think, from the binding of Isaac." I told both Chris and the viewers, and he pulled a stupid face, pretending to be thinking hard. How could he still look so beautiful when he was looking like that? I was too far gone with Chris. Suddenly realising that the camera would be recording everything, I looked away from his face, and down to where I was going to start drawing the plan.

"I think I might make a ZOMBIE pumpkin!" Chris exclaimed, and I laughed as he said it. We both began concentrating on our own designs, talking and laughing at when we did or said something stupid. I felt myself relaxing around him, enjoying myself, and starting to forget about making it seem like I was just his best friend. I laughed loudly at everything he said, and even though my simpler design should've taken about half the amount of time as his did, I ended up finishing a few minutes after him.

After, as he began to look for two candles, I held my finger up to my lips, and looked at the camera. Silently, I picked up some of the seeds from the pumpkin, and walked behind Chris, slowly lifting my hands up, and barely breathing. I dropped them suddenly, and they landed right down the back of his shirt. I immediately ran away to the other side of the room, as Chris cursed loudly, and stood up straight, feeling the slimy seeds fall down his back.

"PJ!" He shouted, jumping up and down to get them out. "I'M GONNA GET YOU!" He violently exclaimed, as I laughed hysterically.

That was, until he grabbed the bowl of remaining seeds, and advanced towards me...


	15. Phil

Phil:

The tube was boiling. It was packed with many little kids and their parents, who had made the most of the last Saturday of half term, and were going to do something out and about in the country's capital. This was one of the worst things about living in London. It was always packed at weekends, and the chances of us bumping into subscribers increased too. Not that that was a bad thing, me and Dan loved all our subscribers, but they could be a bit overwhelming at times. Especially when we just wanted to do something ourselves.

And at times like this, I really did hate London. I was standing up, nearly being forced against the window, and exactly in the middle of the carriage. Both me and Dan knew how hard it would be to get out when we reached our stop, seeing as it wasn't a particularly busy one, and hardly anyone else would be exiting with us. As we began to near it, we started to ask the other people standing up to move out the way, and they tutted and began to shuffle up to the seats. It wasn't like we could do anything else, I don't know why they were annoyed at us!

Finally, we got onto the considerably cooler station, and began to walk out as the train nosily left for the next stop. It took us about fifteen minutes to get back to our house, and we realised then that the time was about three o'clock. It seemed a lot later, so Dan and I got to work. I opened up the computer and began to edit a video that I had shot the other day. I had told everyone on twitter two days ago that I would have it uploaded by this morning, but I hadn't counted on the fact that I would be over at Chris's place for most of the morning.

As I got to work, I heard Dan put on some music, and smiled as I heard New Born, by Muse, playing through the house. It was one of my favourite songs, and the Origin of Symmetry was definitely my favourite album. I smiled, and hummed the tune as I worked, before it turned onto the next song- Plug in Baby. I continued to edit for another two hours, before Dan came into the room, brandishing a pumpkin that he had obviously spent the last few hours carving.

Instead of going for a traditional design, he had decided to carve cat whiskers into the pumpkin, and had given it circular eyes, and triangular ears and nose. Phil laughed at it, and Dan proudly presented it to him.

"Do you like the MEGA-CAT-3000 that will eat you up during your sleep?" Dan asked, before loudly slamming it on the desk I was working on. I yelped slightly, before laughing again, and assuring Dan that it was one of the best pumpkins I'd ever seen.

"So what do you want to do tonight, it being halloween and all?" He asked, and I shrugged my shoulder.

"I don't know! Maybe we could watch a horror film or something?" I replied, looking up at him, as I saw him grin again.

"Sounds like a plan!" He agreed, as I turned back to my computer to finish off the ending. It shouldn't take too long, as I had already done this many times before for my other videos, so I knew what I was doing. I walked back out, and saw that Dan was starting to cook us tea, and I went to see what was cooking.

"We're eating worms in blood for tea today!" Dan blurted out, as I saw that we were having spaghetti bolognaise, much more appealing than what my flatmate had just described. As I saw some Oreos out on the table, I suddenly had an idea, as I went over to the fridge to see if we still had some chocolate puddings left. When I finally found them (they'd been put at the back of the fridge, for some reason!), I got them out, and began to crush the first few Oreos up.

Dan looked over in confusion. "What are you doing?" He queried, as I continued to make the Oreos into small crumbs.

"Not telling you!" I teased, as I sprinkled them onto the puddings. I got another Oreo out, and I went to the cupboard to see if we had any vibrant icing to use. I found some neon yellow icing, so I began to write three letters on the Oreos, R.I.P. I stuck it into them, and it make the puddings look like a graveyard! I was actually quite proud of them, for once! I quickly put them away in the fridge, so that Dan wouldn't see until we were about to eat them.

Noticing that he was almost done cooking, I got out our cutlery and some water, whilst he put the spaghetti onto each plate. Soon enough, we were sitting down to eat tea, and laughing as Dan checked his tumblr to see what people were doing for haloween. Whilst tumblr can be a... creepy place, it seems to go crazy on haloween, and we took a lot longer than we originally planned to finish the pasta.

"Oh my God!" Dan exclaimed as he saw the puddings, seemingly unsure whether to be utterly amazed by the idea or by my childishness. We ate them in record time (being the greedy pigs we are), and were soon putting the plates in the dishwasher to wash whilst we watched a movie. Just as we were going to go into the other room, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Stopping in the hallway, I got it out to see who had texted me.

PJ's gone- Chris

I was thinking about what to reply, and what he meant by that, when another one reached my phone.

I'm scared, Phil- Chris

Oh shit. I'd forgotten all about him, and what would happen when he was alone.

I think it's beginning to talk to me again, Phil- Chris

This was bad. I needed to get over there as soon as possible.

"What are you doing?" Asked Dan, who hadn't seen me stop, until he walked back. He saw my worried face, and looked concerned. "What's wrong?" Before I could reply, I got another text on my phone.

Phil, it's definitely here. Help- Chris

Realising that Chris could actually do something quite serious, I ran upstairs to get some stuff for staying the night, probably the quickest I've ever run in my life. And that was saying something. Stuffing some quick clothes into a bag, I ran back down, where I bumped into Dan.

"What're you doing?" He asked, beginning to look more annoyed than confused.

"I- look, I'm really sorry, I've got to go to see Chris!" I told him, and began putting my shoes on. A look of annoyance crossed his face, and I swear he looked hurt for a second. The problem was, I had promised Chris that I wouldn't tell anyone about what was wrong with him, so I had no proper reason to tell Dan where I was going.

"Why? I thought we were gonna watch a movie or something?" He shot back at me, letting his anger slip into his speech. I sighed in exasperation.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you why, it's Chris's decision to make. But I really need to get over there!" I told him, impatiently getting my coat out of the cupboard, and beginning to walk down the stairs, Dan following me.

"But you can tell me anything, right?" Dan pleaded, and I felt really sorry for him. I simply shook my head, not really too worried at this point, more worried about Chris. I guess I'd regret it later, looking at the expression of annoyance and disappointment Dan wore, but I wasn't really thinking all too much about him at this point. Chris could be doing something really stupid right now.

"Fine. If you want to be with Chris, then that's fine. Stay for a while, why don't you?" He shouted, as I ran out of the door.


	16. Chris

Chris:

I sat down on my sofa, feeling (for once) happy with my day. It had been so perfect, and I couldn't have asked for better friends. Phil had been the kindest person to me ever, since I told him about everything, PJ and me were back on speaking terms, and I had managed to forget about everything else, if only for a day.

I don't know what had changed about PJ, but we had talked today, I had gone round to his, and we had both carved pumpkins together. A small, mundane thing that made my entire month. He had been so kind, and so nice towards me the whole day, almost as if everything was still the same. But it isn't. Every time I looked at him, whether he was looking at me, or concentrating on something else, all I could feel were butterflies. A big, stupid kaleidoscope of butterflies, swimming in my stomach. A constant reminder of how things would never be perfect.

But all I cared about today was that we were in each others company, comfortable around each other, and I was happy enough to even be seen in his video. Talking of which!

I opened up chrome on my laptop, going to YouTube to see if PJ had uploaded anything to his side channel, presuming that was where he'd put it. I smiled as I saw that he had uploaded a video, which was titled 'Spooky Halloween Pumpkins'. As I opened it, I was greeted by both me and him smiling at the camera. He looked so happy, his green eyes shinning with joy (amazinghowell2) and his smile wider than I had remembered it being. I watched the five minutes of it that he had show, as I felt a warm feeling going through my chest.

I knew that I was very awkward in the video (when was I not?) but it was one of my better performances. PJ was perfect, as always, his laugh filling my bedroom and causing me to giggle along with him. In a few minutes, the scene cut out, after a picture of me and him pulling scared faces next to our glowing pumpkins. I smiled, before putting my laptop away by the side of my bed, deciding to try to get to sleep, as it was already nearing on eleven o'clock. I turned over on my side, flicking the switch to turn off my bedside lamp.

Had a nice day?

FUCK. I sat up in bed straight, heart immediately thumping in my chest. For a completely different reason to when I was with PJ today. It hadn't come up all day, but the first thing I thought to do was text Phil. I hastily sent him a few texts, not exactly sure how many I'd done, but just knowing that I needed him to get here soon. Today had been perfect, and it couldn't be ruined by something as stupid as this.

Perfect, did you say? I don't think you deserve to have a perfect day, do you. It's not like people care enough about you to want to make your day perfect.

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! I knew that Phil still liked me, and PJ was talking to me, proving that he didn't hate me, like I had previously thought. It was lying to me again. I couldn't listen to it. Not now. Pushing it to the back of my mind, I got up out of bed, to make my way to the kitchen. I figured that if was preoccupied with something else, then I wouldn't be thinking about it too much. Seeing that there were things out on the draining board, I began to dry them up, when I got a text from Phil.

Chris. Don't worry, I'll be there in five, I'm taking a taxi now. Stay calm, it'll be fine- Phil

I sighed out loud, as I continued to put things away. A plate with interesting green patterns on it. A spoon which was bent with the number of times it had been used. A tray that I had cooked some pizza on the other day. I went over to the cutlery draw, where I put my dry cutlery in, before I was about to close it, when something shiny caught my eye. A sharp knife.

Look at that, Chris. Almost like it's beckoning to you!

I felt sick. Not knowing what I was doing, I reached out for the knife, picking it up and examining it. I noticed how sharp it looked, how the light reflected off it into my eye. Wait. What the hell was I doing?

It wouldn't take much, would it? Just one quick slice!

SHUT UP! Phil would be here soon. I had people to live for, people who would miss me. Unlike two days ago, I knew that people loved me, even if it wasn't in the way I hoped with all of them. I couldn't do it, not to them.

Of course they don't, you know it's all fake, don't you? They can't really like you, you know?

They could, and they did. I was about to put the blade back down in the tray, when I suddenly jumped at the sound of the door knocked. I dropped the knife, which luckily didn't land on my foot, but picked it up and put it back. Making my way over to the door, I opened it to see Phil's worried face. As he looked at me, I pulled him into a hug, and he held me there. To him, I must seem so fragile. The boy who can't stay by himself for more than two hours.

"You came just in time. Thanks." I mumbled, as he turned to look at me. I saw that he looked very tired, as if he was going to have gone to bed before he was dragged out to look after me. I was just a very old kid, who needed constant help and annoyed everybody. I also saw that he had brought a bag with him, presuming that it was his stuff to stay overnight.

"You ok?" He asked, worry running through his voice. I smiled, and nodded, glad that I hadn't broken down or anything, which would've been very embarrassing for me. He came in, and we sat down on the sofa, fine with being in each others company.

"So, what did it try to tell you tonight?" Phil asked, dragging me back to reality. As much as I hated it, I knew that telling him would really help me, if last night was anything to go by.

"The usual. That nobody likes me. I tried to distract myself, and it worked for a while. It was the longest amount of time I've been able to keep him off me for in a while. But," I began, trying to stay strong, knowing what I was about to tell him. "I don't even know why I did it, Phil. I don't know why I picked it up. And I was going to put it down, I'm sure, but you came in, so I definitely put it away."

"Put what away, Chris?" He asked, his face going slightly paler, if it was possible with his skin tone. I gulped.

"The knife, Phil." I told him, looking up as his eyes widened. Tears prickled my eyes, as I realised how close I had actually been to giving up fully, and leaving it all behind me. But the one thing that I did know was that I had actually stood up to it, for once. I was fragile, but I was putting myself together, slowly.


	17. Dan

Dan:

What the fuck couldn't Phil tell me? I thought that we shared everything together? Are we going to keep secrets from each other now? What had happened over the night he'd been with Chris that had made him want to visit him instead of staying with me? I thought we were going to watch a film together and eat popcorn or something...

As angry as I may have just seemed, slamming the door in Phil's face, I immediately regretted it, and wished that I hadn't said that. I guess that he must have a pretty good reason for going. Still, it pisses me off that he cares more about Chris. The question is, what was I going to do now? I slumped down against the wall, not caring that it was uncomfortable as hell, but just thought. There must be something wrong with Chris, I get that bit. But I don't get why he had to lie about it. That's the thing I care about. That he didn't feel like he could trust me.

I was saved from my thoughts, when I got a text from PJ. I looked down at the screen as it illuminated the ever darkening hallway. I got up, deciding to stop moping around, and looked to see where I had last put my laptop, checking my phone as I looked. I could multi-task!

Have you seen my new upload? :)- PJ

I frowned, confused as to why he wanted my to see it. I suddenly straightened up, remembering that I had put my laptop on my bedside table earlier this morning, and I tapped out a reply whilst climbing the stairs to my room.

Spon?- Dan

I entered my pigsty room, and picked up my laptop, and beginning to walk downstairs with it. I had left the charger in the living room, so I assumed that was why it wasn't turning on.

No, I just want you to watch it! Please?- PJ

I laughed, before plugging in my laptop and waiting as the screen turned on. It took a few seconds for the internet to register with it, but when it did, I opened up YouTube, and clicked on subscriptions. Felix had uploaded a few today, and underneath his most recent one, I saw PJ's one. Named 'Spooky Halloween Pumpkins'. I chuckled again, as I began to watch all five minutes thirty six seconds of it. I concentrated on PJ, looking at the way he was staring at Chris throughout the whole thing. It wouldn't take a genius to work out that he liked him.

You were very obvious!- Dan

I texted him back, opening tumblr in a new tab instead, to pass the time. I wasn't sure what else I was going to do for the evening. I guess I'd only be getting into bed in an hour or so, and staying on my laptop until then.

What do you mean? Obvious about what? Was it something bad?- PJ

Laughing at his worry, I quickly replied back.

No, no, it was just that you barely took your eyes of Chris for the whole five minutes! Anyway, what you doing atm?- Dan

Nothing much tbh, it's not late or anything. Wbu? What are you and Phil doing?- PJ

I sighed, remembering where Phil was right now. It was ok. He needed to help Chris. Or whatever they were doing.

Phil ditched me. He's gone to Chris's house, but I'm not too sure why. I think he was lonely or something, idk. You know what happened the other day, I guess it has something to do with that.- Dan

Well, if neither of us are doing anything, then you could come round? You could bring your night stuff if you want, as I presume you wouldn't want to go back home at midnight?- PJ

Sure, that sounds great! I'll be round in a few :)- Dan

Quickly, I went up to my room to get the galaxy bag that we made (#spon), and started shoving things into it, a bit less frantic than what I heard Phil doing earlier. Remembering my phone charger, I went downstairs to check my hair, before I was out and heading to the tube, for what felt like the tenth time today.

It was as deserted as I assumed it was going to be. I waited patiently by the side, until I began to hear the usual groaning of the tube beginning to come to a halt. The wind whipped around me, as light illuminated the station, when the train halted, and I jumped on. It was quite creepy, the whole carriage being empty around me. Well, it was eleven o'clock- what was I expecting?

Only about ten minutes later, I was getting back off, and making my way out of the station, and towards PJ's house. I could still see the Halloween decorations up, and I realised that it was going to be November in an hour, pretty scary to see how fast the year had gone.

"PJ!" I greeted my friend, as I knocked on the door. He quickly motioned for me to come in, as the cold from outside was filling up his house now. I followed his lead, taking off my coat, and putting it back were it had been last night too, on the stair post. I noticed that there were the two pumpkins that Chris and PJ had carved up on his window sill, and they looked like they were leaning on each other. I actually couldn't believe how far PJ was in love.

"Hey, what do you wanna do?" I hear PJ ask, as I walked into the living room. I shrugged my shoulders, not really caring about what we did.

"I don't mind? Why don't you tell me about this afternoon?" I suggested, knowing that this was going to take up a lot of time.


	18. PJ

PJ:

"You were right! I've been feeling the best that I've felt for so long today! All because you told me to man up and talk to Chris again! He was so nice to me, and I nearly forgot at some points that I was meant to stop looking at him! He looked so good today too, and his eyes were so happy!" I rambled, not caring about what Dan was doing. Chris and me were friends again, and that was the most important thing in the world!

I'd realised, as Dan had said, that there was no point in me avoiding him. If I blew it, then at least I had some time with him, but if I didn't even spend time with him in the first place, surely that'd worse? And it wasn't like Chris had opposed me; he'd wanted to come round to mine. That could only be a good sign, right?

"Well, it did look like you'd spent half the video staring into his eyes, to be honest." Dan mumbled, raising his eyebrow at me. I went red, and felt blood rushing to my cheeks. Was I really that obvious? Oh God, everyone was going to know soon. I couldn't just go one day with him without nearly revealing it all. This was the reason I stayed away from him in the first place!

"Was I too obvious?" I barely whispered, swallowing and looking at Dan, eyes wide. He laughed, and shook his head.

"Of course not, you were only looking as in love as you ever have!" He chuckled, and I frowned. I only realised I loved him a few months ago, before I started to avoid him. So I hadn't really made a video with him since I'd come to that realisation.

"Wait, what do you mean?" I asked Dan, very confused.

"You've always looked at him like that. It's quite obvious, why do you think that people ship you and Chris so much? It's because they can all see it! It's why I haven't been that surprised about it all- we always knew, me and Phil." He explained, before going oddly silent at the mention of his best friends name. That was weird. Had something happened?

"Phil?" I asked, chiding him into telling me if something was wrong. Well, I'm sure nothing was wrong, but it was just the way he looked when he said his name.

"He.. No, it's nothing. He's good. I'm good. We're good." He told me, nodding with each sentence. This just confirmed my suspicions.

"What happened between you two?" I sighed, knowing that whilst my day couldn't have been any better, my other friends had the opposite day.

"Just... He's keeping things from me. Not telling me things when I thought he could tell me everything. He always wants to see Chris too. On top of keeping things with me." Dan elaborated, as I listened to his worries. Funny. Keeping things from someone sounds a lot like something that I was doing to Chris. He couldn't.....?

"He's keeping things from you? Well, the only person I know who keeps things from others is me." I told him, trying to nudge him in the same direction as I was thinking. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused.

"What do you mean?" He asked, not getting the hint. Suddenly, his face cleared up, and he went red. "You don't mean- what, Phil? No!"

"Well, it's a possibility! I'm not telling Chris that I love him!" I replied, smiling and secretly hoping that this was what Phil was keeping from Dan. Not that I wanted to set up my two friends, but if Dan was talking about looking into people's eyes as a hint to them crushing on someone, he was drowning in love with Phil!

"NO! Phil would never love me!" He told me, laughing. "And besides, I'm straight, he's straight, and I don't love him!" I raised my eyebrow at him, which only succeeded in making him go even more red. Was he being serious?

"Ok. Sure." I replied, as he continued to shake his head. "And anyway, that wouldn't explain why he was going to see Chris again." Dan began to pale again, as he sat in thought for a while, returning to his sadder state.

"No. He must have trusted Chris with his secret." He pondered, not really speaking to me, more so to himself. To be honest, I think we were both feeling a bit jealous. Chris and Phil spending time together- well, I loved Chris so I wouldn't want him to be spending excess time with anybody else, especially not my friend! And I'm sure that Dan was feeling the same, if he says it was only in a platonic way.

"Unless it was Chris's secret." I told him, and he nodded, thinking more so of it being Phil's secret. Well, he could think whatever he'd like to think, I guess. Anyhow, this wasn't really how I'd been planning to spend the night- Dan had popped up when I couldn't get to sleep, so it was a pleasant surprise to be honest. But now the day was beginning to catch up on me, as I realised that I probably needed to go to sleep.

"I'm going to have to sleep now, you know, it is one in the morning already!" I told him, and he nodded. I checked to see if he was ok to sleep on the sofa again, and he nodded again, so I went to go and get the same covers as he had slept in very recently, and I smiled. So much had happened in just two days, I couldn't really believe it! As I got back downstairs, I saw that Dan was still staring at the wall, obviously lost in thought, as he had been when I had tried to talk to him before. I guess he'll go to sleep at some point.

********************************************************************************************

When I got downstairs the next day, the first thing I saw was that Dan was up, and seemed to be putting his coat on. I was confused as to why he was going already, when he saw me and immediately smiled.

"Oh! Hey PJ. Thanks for having me, I'm just gonna go now! I was thinking a lot about what me and Phil argued about, and I decided that it probably wasn't his fault. I guess I should go and say sorry for getting so annoyed at him. Anyway, thanks again!" He told me, starting to tie up his shoes. I was a little confused as to why he had to go so fast, but he was Dan, when did anything need a reason?

"OK. Well, it was nice to see you again!" I told him, as he walked out of the door, nodding and agreeing with me. Before I knew it, he had left, and I was alone again. I didn't know what I was going to do now. Well, first I should get some breakfast.

As I walked towards the kitchen, I noticed that the cloakroom was open, from where Dan had gotten his coat from, and as I went to close it, another black coat caught my eye. I definitely didn't own that coat, and I looked to try to see who's it was. I realised that it was Chris's coat. He must have left it here from the yesterday, and not realised he'd forgotten it. I smiled. He was so stupid!

Well, it was something to do today at least, and another excuse to see Chris.


	19. Phil

Phil:

"The knife!" Chris whispered, and I looked into his hazel eyes, which were welling up with tears. Wait. He had been picking up a knife, when he knew that the thing in his mind was trying to get him to do something stupid? I suddenly realised exactly what he could've done with that object, and also realised that I was in way over my head with this. I couldn't be the only one to know about this. I only just made it this time. What if he couldn't talk to me? What if my phone was off? Chris could've died!

It dawned on me then that I wasn't enough. As hard as it had been for him to open up to me, I couldn't be with him 24/7. I mean, I'd just left him for one afternoon, and he had done..... This? He had to tell someone else. Even if it wasn't someone he knew. A therapist, that's what he needed. As kind as I hoped I was being, I couldn't exactly completely help him get better. But if I was going to do this, then I'd have to tell Chris. And something told me he wouldn't exactly be the most inclined towards it.

"I haven't told you it all, Phil." He said, and I was dragged from my thoughts. Wait. Hadn't told me about all of what? Today? The voice in general? What?

"About what, Chris?" I asked him, trying to stay stronger for him. As I looked at his weak body, I was struck by the complete unfairness of this all. Why should this happen to him? He was such a great person! A caring friend, and this thing had to chose him, out of everyone in the world. Why should we have to put up with this? I was going to see a therapist, whether he liked it or not. We'd get this sorted out. For him.

"Just in general, I haven't told you everything." He replied, making me sigh in slight relief. It wasn't about today. He hadn't done anything else. "I... I realised something. About when this all started, when I fully accepted that I was... was bi, I realised that I loved someone. Very much. And that that person would.... Would never l-love me back!" He continued, beginning to let out ever more tears. I couldn't watch this. I went over to him, hugging him yet again. It seemed to be my main pass time.

"Who is it, Chris?" I asked him, and he sighed out loud.

"It's P-PJ" He whispered, before I felt the top of my top beginning to go damp. Oh. Oh. That's why he didn't want to tell me before. That's why he was so weird around PJ that day we saw him. That's why he looked at PJ like he did in any picture. That's why he joked about Kickthestickz. It was the closest he thought he'd ever get to PJ.

"I know he'd never love me back, Phil. And that's why I-I can't tell him, or hadn't told anyone else before now" He told me, and I frowned. How did he know that PJ didn't love him back? He hadn't really ever told us about his sexuality, hadn't ever had any girlfriends (that I knew about). In fact, the first time Dan and I met them both, we thought they were together!

"Don't say that!" I told him, before continuing to say exactly what I had just been thinking. His face went from looking slightly hopeful, to going void again within the space of a few seconds.

"Sure" He plainly stated, before fully walking into the living room.

"Hey, Chris. I can't keep doing this by myself." I began to talk, tentatively. I already knew how it sounded. "It's not that I don't want to help you, it's just that when I have to go home, you get closer and closer to doing something you'd... Really regret."

"What are you saying?" He asked, his face blank again.

"Well, I think you need to either tell someone else about this, or go and see a therapist." I said quickly.

"What?" Chris asked, looking worried. "I could barely tell you, let alone someone else!" He talked, nearly as fast as I had spoken. I knew he'd react in this way. But I had to get someone to help him.

"Look, unless you'd like to be alone for half the time, this is gonna have to be what we do!" I told him, trying to get him to see my point of view.

"I'd rather be alone!" He shouted, before storming out of the room, shouting something to me about sleeping on the sofa again. I sighed, laying down on it. The sofa was slowly becoming my second home.

When I woke up the next day, I couldn't even remember falling asleep. I remembered that I was on my phone for a bit, but not much after that. I sighed, as I rolled over and remembered one thing from last night. I had decided that when I woke up, I'd go to see a therapist, even if Chris didn't want me to. I wouldn't tell them anything about his problem, but just that he had schizophrenia, and that he needed help. It felt like the right thing to do.

As I got up, I made sure that Chris wasn't downstairs, before I stepped out of the door, being careful not to make much of a noise. I knew where the nearest doctors was, so I was going to go over to them, before asking them for directions. Walking quickly, I started to text Chris to let him know where I was. I would try to make this quick, as I couldn't leave him on his own for too long.

Hey Chris. I've left to go to the therapist, and I know you're going to hate me for this, but in time, I'm sure you'll thank me. Sorry. I'll be as quick as I can. Stay safe. Please.

I sent the message off, hoping that he saw it when he woke, and not after he'd realised I'd gone. I really hoped that I was doing the right thing. I guess I couldn't know until all this was over.


	20. Chris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, probably need a trigger warning for this, because it has some depressing thoughts in it, though I have no idea what it's like, so I couldn't know what was triggering for some people. Sorry.

Chris:

I woke up, feeling something inside me which felt a lot like regret. Why had I shouted at Phil? He probably hated me now. Everyone hates me. I thought I was getting better, but my thoughts just kept coming back to the same place. Hatred. Everyone did hate me. And I knew it.

As I reached across to get my phone, I saw that it was off, so I tried to turn it on. When It only flashed up with a low battery sign, I dropped it down on my bedside table, exasperated. Why? Deciding that there was nothing better to do, I got out of bed and went downstairs. I should probably have put my phone into charge. Oh well. I got down the stairs, and went into the living room to see where Phil was. 

When he wasn't there, I thought he must've been in the kitchen instead, or at least in the toilet. I slowly walked into my other rooms, trying to see if he was there, but when he wasn't, my blood ran cold. He couldn't have deserted me at a time like this? Could he? I'd just told him my biggest secret, and he wasn't here any more?

Maybe that's the reason he's not here. Maybe he's disgusted by you, and has been pretending all this time. Maybe he HATES you!

I close my eyes for a brief second. Not now. Not when I was feeling so horrible and weak. Before I knew what I was doing, I was running back into my room, and locking the door. I curled up in a ball, hoping that I could just try to take it all, alone in my room, where there was nothing I could use to... Well, nothing that could cause me any harm.

I didn't really remember much from it. All I can remember was me falling in and out of consciousness, me feeling like I was worthless, and the voice in my head filling my mind with a white hot blankness, that I couldn't explain. My head hurt, my body hurt, I couldn't think, it was attack after attack. I could feel tears streaming down my face. It had never been this bad before. The other times, it'd been the voice telling me to do things, but this was an overload of everything.

I was so stupid to think that I could beat this thing. So stupid to even try.

Before I knew it, my door was flung open, evidently breaking the lock that was on it, and the shape of a body filled it's frame. I stopped rocking myself, and the pain in my head seemed to subside, as my mind was filled with questions instead. What was this person doing here? Was it Phil? Did he come back? I couldn't see anything due to the tears in my eyes, but I could tell that they were walking towards me, and all of a sudden, they were sat down next to me.

Warm arms engulfed me, as I clung onto the body, needing the comfort they would bring me. I recognised the smell of the person, recognised the jumper they were wearing. This wasn't Phil. Phil's hugs were comforting, and his shoulder was a great place to lean onto, and get my feelings out on. This was different. The hug was filled with care, as if the person holding me was putting all their love into this moment, into this embrace. It reminded me of one person. The person who I would least like to see me in a state like this.

PJ.

"Chris. What's wrong? Are you hurt? Why are you crying?" He asked me, his emerald green eyes meeting mine as he pulled himself back to look at me properly. They were filled with so many emotions, that I found myself getting locked onto them. I could see pain, I could see worry, I could see sadness... I could see care?

"I... PJ, I can't- can't say, you'd hate me, you'd hate me more that you probably already do..." I rambled, mumbling the words that the voice had lead me to believe. Why was PJ here anyway? "It's like you're always here, PJ. Like you always u-used to be!" I tried to say, but broke down into another sob, and the tears began to roll again, and he pulled me into another warming hug.

"Chris, I'll always be here for you! What's wrong? He asked, and I tensed in his arms. I think he could feel it, as he pulled me back again so that he could look at me. What should I do? Should I tell him? Oh, what the fuck, it wasn't like I could do anything else at this point. I mean, he'd just walked in on me basically having a mental breakdown. I found myself beginning to talk.

I told him slowly, to begin with, and he sat there and took it all in. He still had his hands on my shoulders, and I took comfort in the fact that he hadn't reclined them at my monstrosity.

"And that's why Phil has been round. He didn't see me as an evil person... But if you do, then it's fine, you can leave now, I get it. I'd think I'm a monster too- fuck, I know I am now. Nobody cares for me, nobody would ever love me, you'd hate me-" I felt myself saying, letting out almost all of my worries. Almost all. I had obviously left out the bit about me falling in love with him. Even if he was to leave right now, I'd never let him know.

"Chris, don't say those things. Of course people care! You saw how Phil cares, and I'm telling you now that I care too!" He told me, and I snorted. He cares. He could never care for me as much as I care for him. I smiled sadly, as I thought over it.

"Of course you can't care for me. I don't care for myself, and I don't deserve anyone else's care!" I told him, and caught his eye. As he looked at me, I realised how close we both were. Now that the tears were gone, and my mind was finally clear, I could see him, and see chuckled in my head at how he was still pretending. Why was he still here?

"I care for you, more than... more than anyone else in the world could care for you, Chris." He told me, as he kept eye contact, and began to shift his body. My eyes opened at the sudden realisation of the position we were in. "And I always have done." He finished, before he leaned in, closing his eyes and gently pressing his lips to mine.


	21. Dan

Dan:

It's been a while since I left from PJ's house, and all I could think about was Phil and what PJ had said about him. He couldn't love me, could he? It would make things really awkward between the two of us, as I was straight. But I couldn't help remembering the butterflies that had been in my stomach when PJ Had suggested that Phil's secret was that. I couldn't be gay, I had had many girlfriends before- well, none since moving in with Phil, at least. There it was again! It all revolved around Phil. I couldn't love him, I was pretty sure about that.

The phans were always so pushy when it came to this topic. Every time, it was me laughing it off, me having to explain that I was straight, and the phans all being sceptical. I do have a tumblr account, so I can see the many posts about my 'Heart-eyes-Howell' look, but I can't help it. I always look at the person talking, and it just always happens to be Phil, because he is the only person in the house! We were just good friends, right?

But this didn't explain why Phil was keeping secrets from me. It really couldn't be him loving me, as I knew Phil was straight too! In fact, why am I even debating this? PJ evidently wanted something to happen because he ships us together, and always has done. It couldn't be the truth. But that still didn't stop the slight nagging at the back of my mind telling me that I cared about Phil more than I let on.

As I sat waiting for something to happen, I decided to get out my phone to apologise to Phil. If it was something to do with his feelings, then of course I wouldn't pester him about it. I couldn't run the risk of losing out friendship, so I'd just pretend it didn't happen. Hell, it was probably something completely different, and he needed to keep it from me for a good reason. Anyhow, I couldn't stay mad at him for long, and I was feeling lonely again.

Hey Phil. Sorry about last night, I can understand if you're mad at me, but I just want to say that I'm sorry and that you have every right to keep things from me x

I sent it off, and immediately wished I hadn't and could edit it, as I had accidentally put in the kiss at the end. For God's sake, could I be any more stupid? It took only a few seconds for Phil to reply, which I took as a good sign, opening my phone again to read it.

You don't need to apologise, Dan! You're allowed to get annoyed at me, I just can't tell you this right now. In time, I'm sure you'll know, just not right now. And anyway, I was heading into town, but PJ sent me a text to say he is at Chris' place, so I'm headed home now! x

Relief flooded over me, as I smiled to myself. Phil was coming home, thank God he wasn't annoyed at me or something. He was such a great friend. I smiled, but then saw the last character of the text and realised that he had also put a kiss on it. Way to keep things platonic, Dan, I told myself, before realising that my hair needed to be straightened and that I needed to get ready. Since coming back from PJ's house, all I'd done was sit on the sofa, which wasn't very productive.

About 20 minutes later, I was back down and in my sofa crease, scrolling through tumblr to pass the time. True to my word, the fifteen more minutes it took Phil to get back flew past, and soon he was unlocking the door and entering the house again. As he came back in, I closed my laptop, and began to talk to him.

"Hey, I'm so sorry about last night-" I began, before Phil cut me off.

"No no, don't worry Dan, it's nothing, thanks for understanding now." He told me, and I nodded, sitting on the sofa. "How was PJ?" He asked me, trying to make conversation in the awkward situation.

"He was ok. Happy to have seen Chris, I think!" I replied, smiling at the memory of him shouting out about his day. As if he couldn't act more in love.

"Yeah, Chris was the same!" Phil laughed, and I joined in. The mood shifted, as we chuckled about our friends. "They're so in love" He continued, and I froze for half a second. I knew that I couldn't let Phil know that PJ was gay, as it was something he'd asked me not to tell anyone else. Wait. This sounded very familiar...

"Anyway, have you got any plans for today?" Phil asked me, and I shook my head, when did I ever have plans? I had an idea.

"We could film something else for danandphilgames?" I asked him, and he nodded, joy evident on his face. We could play many games, but I decided to go for a classic. New Super Mario Bros.

I knew that I was better than Phil at this, and whilst we got everything set up, I was eager to remind him of this fact. I wasn't too quick, though, as I knew that he would end up bending the rules so that he would seem better than me. Thank god there wasn't a head to head set up for this game, or it would be back to the 'All or Nothing' was of playing Phil liked to play.

"Hello, Dan and Phil plumber... Men?" Phil started off, and I gave him the usual, confused look.

It turned out that Phil was no good at playing the game, but seemed to be very good at messing it up for me, so that I ended up dying many more times than he did. Of course, he would argue that it was his great gaming skills, but me and the internet knew the truth. As I went to get the camera to transfer onto the computer, Phil called to me to say that he was gonna make some lunch. I got to work editing, and he came in with two plates with some food on.

Putting them down on the table, he sat next to me, and began to look at what I'd done so far. We continued like this for the rest of the afternoon, tweeting that there would be a new video out the next day. Immediately, we began to get responses from crazed phans, and I smiled. Honestly, I loved this community. I loved seeing what I had contributed to- even if it was a bit... well, manic at times.


	22. PJ

PJ:

I leaned in, until I found my lips finally touching those of Chris', and I lost all thoughts that were swimming around in my mind. I focused instead on the way his lips felt , how they seemed to fit perfectly with mine, as if we were made for each other. I felt Chris relax into it, and he began to kiss back, moving his lips in perfect synchronise with mine, filling my stomach with butterflies. Was I really doing this? After so long? And was Chris kissing me back?

A few seconds later, I broke apart from him, and looked down at the floor, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks, as the adrenalin faded from my body. Why did I do that? Chris was probably straight, I had ruined everything, and now he would hate me.

"I- um, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to, well, I don't know why I did that, I get if you don't- don't feel the same way, you can... um, I'm sor-" I mumbled quickly, still not looking up, but was startled when I felt two fingers on the bottom of my chin, guiding my head upwards so that I was looking back into the beautiful eyes belonging to the perfect being in front of me. He didn't say anything, but just leaned in and closed the gap between us once again.

I felt myself smile into the kiss, and as perfect as the first one had been, I finally felt like I was complete. It lasted longer than the one before, and was tender and full of love coming from both sides. There weren't sparks going off in my head, like in all clichéd love tales, but there was pure love- love and comfort. We broke away after some time, and I pulled back, smiling.

"I mean what I said before" I began to speak again, looking at Chris's beautiful face, his swollen lips and hazel eyes. "I really do care so much about you. And whatever it is that tries to tell you otherwise can piss off. I love you, Chris" His eyes filled with happiness, as he grinned at my words.

"I love you too." He replied, and it was my turn to grin. He loved me back. "I've loved you for so long, but it took me a while to realise it" He continued, as I locked our hands together, giddy with joy at the fact that I could do this now. I could see Chris whenever I wanted, I could hug him whenever I wanted, I could kiss him whenever I wanted. Right now, I felt like I was the luckiest man alive. I moved so that I was sitting next to him instead of in front of him, and put my arm around his shoulder.

"Are- are you ok now?" I asked him, indicating how he had been acting when I had first walked- well, bashed my way into the room. He nodded, resting his head on my shoulder and leaning into my touch. His every movement sent shivers down my spine, he was so perfect; I was so in love. I felt him laugh, as I looked at him. What was he laughing about?

"I'll need to get a new lock, though!" He told me, in between his laughs, and I joined in. Soon, we were both laughing together, and I felt like all of the past few days had caught up on me. I had had such an emotional week, but it was nothing compared to what Chris had been through. Us finally being together... It gave me hope. We could fight whatever it was that was attacking Chris. Together now.

"Oh, can you text Phil for me, possibly?" Chris suddenly asked me, and I got out my phone, unsure as to why he had to get me to do it. "Just tell him that you're over at mine. That way he won't worry about me. I still don't know why he left, though..." He trailed off, and I looked at his abandoned phone, which was on the floor beside my feet.

"Maybe if you charged your phone, you'd know!" I told him, and proceeded to plug it into a charger, which was conveniently still plugged into the mains behind it. I turned it on for him, and it slowly came back to life. Whilst waiting, I handed it to Chris, before moving back beside him, where he promptly leaned his head back onto me. Once the home screen popped up, I laughed, as I saw that it was a picture of me and him from a few years ago.

As it loaded up, he received a notification telling him that he had a text from Phil. Unlocking his phone, he read the message aloud to me.

"Hey Chris. I've left to go to the therapist, and I know you're going to hate me for this, but in time, I'm sure you'll thank me. Sorry. I'll be as quick as I can. Stay safe. Please."

I looked at when it had been sent, and saw that it was only 40 minutes ago. Thank God, it probably meant that he hadn't got there, as I knew that the therapists was a while away, and if he checked his phone to see that I was here, he should change his mind. After all, if I was here instead of Phil, then he wouldn't need to bother himself by looking after Chris. I could do that. And we'd need no bloody therapist to help him get better. No, I'd be the one to do that.

"So, what do you want to do, then?" He asked me, and I shrugged. It was nearly midday already, so I suggested that we made some lunch, before lounging around for the rest of the day. I say him smile, one of those smiles that could fill my stomach with all sorts of butterflies, and we went down together. As we got into the kitchen, he suddenly stopped, and turned around so that he was facing me. Before I had a second to wonder what he was doing, he had flung his arms around me, and pulled me into a hug.

"Thanks" He said, after having stood still against me for nearly a minute. "For- for accepting me, and for promising to help me. It- it means so much to me." I squeezed him harder, before pulling away, and pecking him on the lips, even the short motion making me smile.

"It's ok" I told him, my hands still around his waist. "I love you, we'll be ok!" I repeated, before kissing him fully on the lips once more.

Needless to say, we didn't do much during the rest of the day. Just cuddles on the sofa watching crap TV. And nothing could've been better.


	23. Phil

Phil:

It didn't take long for my twitter to start blowing up with notices about people re-tweeting the notification I had sent out on my twitter account. It was nice that they were excited, but really, it just spammed my phone! I knew that I could just turn notifications off, but I liked to keep them on, to see how the fans were reacting towards anything I tweeted. However, Dan had evidently turned his off, as his phone was on the table, blank, and the screen staying dark. I didn't really know what to do with the rest of my day, so I decided to ask Dan if he had any ideas.

"None really," He replied back, tilting his head whilst thinking. His face looked cute when he did tha- wait, what was I thinking? I subconsciously frowned, as I tried to shake my head. What had gotten into me recently? It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. No. Before I went over to Chris' that first night, I was awake due to not being able to sleep. I was thinking over a lot of things. Me and Dan had done so much together in the past, our book was out, we had gone on tour, some of the best moments in my life! And we planned to try to take it out to other countries too, which would be even better.

But I was thinking about what had made those memories so special. When I thought of the tour, I thought of Dan smiling with me in the finale, showing his dimples as we finished at one of our venues. When I thought of the book, I thought of the times we would be casually lounging in one or the others bedroom, and writing little bits towards it. And when I thought of the future, I thought of me and Dan. I wasn't sure what the future held for me, but all I could see was us two together for.... Well, I didn't know how long for.

I shouldn't be thinking this though, right? In a few years, I'm sure Dan and I will have met someone, and gone off to get married to them, and become the uncles to each others kids. A happy life, spent with the people we married, not with each other. And that had gotten me thinking. Did I even want to marry anyone when all I could think about was Dan? I knew that Dan and I have a special kind of relationship- well, a special kind of friendship. We've been best friends for so long... And I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

I bet any one of our phans would scream if they could hear my thoughts. Hear me thinking about Dan looking cute. Cute. Of all the things to call him, my mind went to cute? I guess it was true, I wan't exactly lying. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if in 2009 we took things a bit further. We were always so open then, it's was almost like we were two different people. But six years on, we're best friends.

I don't know why I'm even contemplating this anyway, it's not like Dan is into men, so there's not really any chance for me. That is, if I do like him. Which I don't. Think so. Maybe.

"Mario kart then?" I suddenly hear, as I was woken up from my daydreaming. Dan had the two controllers in his hands, and was looking at me expectantly. I smiled and agreed, before we both sat down on the sofa to start a new race off. After five minutes, we had finished our first race, which had, unsurprisingly, ended up with Dan coming first and me coming fifth. As we set up the next match, I prepared myself for the next one, determined to win this time.

However, when Dan began the final lap, I had somehow managed to end up last. Seeing that I didn't have much time left, I smashed into a block, and it scrolled through. My heart leapt as it landed on the bullet bill, and I suddenly leapt ahead.

"NO FAIR!" Dan shouted, as I began to catch up with everyone. I laughed, and looked over at him to see him furiously concentrating on the screen. I looked up just in time to see that it had dropped me off in second place, a while behind Dan. Trying to catch up with him was pointless, as when we turned the next corner, I could see the finish line ahead. But overhead, I saw a blue shell flying through the sky, and I grinned as I saw it heading straight for Dan.

"NO!" He shouted, as he saw it circling his head. I sped up, the finishing line was getting closer, and it hit Dan's car, turning it over, as I sped past and promptly finished the game in first position. To add insult to injury, bowser crawled up behind Dan too and overtook him, putting him in third place after all that.

"For Gods sake!" He whined, looking over at me with annoyance. I feigned innocence, but then again, it wasn't like it was my fault he got hit at the end.

"What?" I asked him, letting a laugh out of my wide grin. He just gave me a look, so I continued. "It's not my fault! I was coming last!"

"It's always your fault in mario kart" He told me, and I put a hand to my heart, acting as if I was wounded. Dan rolled his eyes at me, before he turned back to the game again. He was too funny! even when he was pretending to be annoyed at me, you could see that he was vaguely amused on the inside, even if he didn't want to show it.

"Best of three?" He asked, and I quickly turned back to the TV.

"You're on!"


	24. Chris

Chris:

It had been four days since PJ and I had told each other that we were in love. Four whole days where we did nothing at all, watched stupid TV and YouTube videos, played video games, and cuddled all day. I have said before how I feel like I'm the luckiest man in the world, and right now, I really do feel like it. When PJ had first leant in towards me, I'd been so shocked that I couldn't even respond for a few seconds, before I realised what he was doing. And kissed him back.

As I lie in bed with PJ's arms wrapped around me, I think back to how he has already made such an impact on my life. The monster had only came to me once, and I had easily been able to shut it down when it tried to tell me that PJ didn't love me- I mean, if the other day wasn't a conformation of that, then I don't know what was. It seemed to be biding it's time, I suspect that I may have an attack sooner or later, but I don't want to think of that right now. All I care about is the fact that PJ was finally by my side, as soppy as it may sound.

Usually, I woke up earlier than PJ, but I can't remember him falling asleep before me. It was all oddly domestic; in the mornings, I would wait for him to wake, then go and have my shower whilst he woke up properly, and then he'd do the same after, whilst I went to get our breakfast and coffee ready. It was my house, so it made sense that I did meals and things, but he was slowly getting used to where everything properly was in my house, and we were acting more as a unit than two different people.

And usually, I would simply stare at him whilst he was still sleeping, absent mindedly running my fingers through his hair, and just think about everything. His arms around me made me feel safer, as if there was nothing that could hurt me, so long as he was there. And in a sense, that was true. Because I was getting better, so much better, within the space of four days. I could only imagine what I'd be like in a week, in a month, in three months. Would I even have the problem anymore? Because if the past four days were anything to go by, then I wouldn't be seeing a lot more of it.

Feeling movement beside me, I looked at my boyfriend (internal fangirling), and saw his green eyes open, and lock onto mine. We didn't need to speak, we just lay there, and didn't move for at least fifteen minutes. Enjoying each others company. God knows we'd missed it in the past few months of silence and awkwardness. I finally decided to speak after a few minutes.

"Morning" I mumbled, not really speaking much, but indicating that I was ready to get up soon. I felt like I could spend all day like this, but I knew that we'd need to get up eventually, and it was already nearly ten. I had always been a morning person, and luckily, PJ wasn't that bad either (or at least kind enough to get up anyway). I just felt like the entire day was being wasted if I hadn't done anything by twelve.

"Mh" He replied, not really wanting to get up by the sound of things. I smiled at him, and he did the same back, as always happened. I couldn't believe how much I had been smiling in the past few days, to the point of when I thought that I must have been getting annoying, so I should probably begin to tone it down a bit. I just couldn't help it, as fucking clichéd as everything sounded in my life at the moment. Not that I was complaining, though.

"I'm gonna get up soon," I told him, and he tightened his arms around me a bit, and I relaxed back. It wouldn't do any harm to lay here for a few minutes longer, would it?

Fourty-five minutes later, I was finally in the shower, and nearly done. I may not strike my viewers as the light sleeper and early waker I was, but you wouldn't know unless you saw the me behind the screen. Talking about my viewers...

What did they think had happened to me? Was there a shitstorm happening on social media? I hadn't even checked since I recorded the other video, so no doubt they were at least slightly worried. As I stepped out of the shower, I opened up my twitter to see that I had numerous notifications, along with a few messages from other fellow YouTubers. Well. I say a few, I mean, just one from Tomska, we're good friends anyway.

I quickly replied to him, telling him that I was fine, hadn't done anything stupid, and that I was at home, recovering from some issues, but doing good. I also mentioned that it'd be cool to meet up some time in the future, when we were both in town near eachother. We shared the same dark humour, his being a little more... death like, and mine being a tiny bit lighter. It would be nice to see people again.

After getting ready into my clothes, I went down to make breakfast, whilst PJ had a shower and got changed himself. When he came down, I handed him his coffee, noticing how nice he looked today, in a shirt that matched the green of his eyes. I grinned at him, as he took a seat next to me, and began to eat his toast, that I had conveniently placed very close next to me, even though the table was a lot bigger.

"So," PJ began, looking at me. "I was thinking." I smirked.

"Pretty dangerous!" I teased, and he rolled his eyes, before continuing.

"When are we gonna tell Dan and Phil?" He asked, and I nearly choked on my coffee. I had completely forgotten about them, Phil must be very worried, I hadn't sent him any texts, other than the one to tell him that I was ok, and that PJ was with me.

"I completely forgot about that!" I replied back, and it turned out that he had also done the same. "I'll call Phil, see if we can meet up soon. I mean," I suddenly hesitated, looking at PJ, "That is, if you're ok with telling them."

"Of course I am, I mean, I already kinda told Dan I liked you." He replied back, quickly, and in a way that meant that I could barely hear what he had said. He went slightly red, as I remembered the time I had told Phil about liking PJ, and my mind moved to PJ's house, where he was telling Dan about the same problem he had. It made me laugh, both of us acting like love-sick teenagers.

"Well, I told Phil, so let's not keep them in suspense any longer!" I finished, and picked up my phone to call Phil.


	25. Dan

Dan:

I... have something to confess. And I'm gonna do it here in my mind, since I can't really talk to anybody else about it, as there's only Phil in the house right now. And I can't exactly tell him, can I?

I've not seen PJ for four days now, I hope he's ok. I kinda feel bad about it, but he must be fine. Phil told me that he was round Chris's place a few days ago, so I guess they're fine. I wonder what happened when they were there, what with PJ being utterly in love with Chris. Ah, I'm sure he would've told me if anything had happened. But I'm getting side tracked, this wasn't where my mind was meant to lead me. I'm finally alone in my room, and need to collect my thoughts.

Over the past few days, all I've been able to think about is Phil. Phil this, Phil that, I wonder what Phil's doing right now, what do I think Phil would like to eat tonight, I'll like that! Have I always thought about him so much? It hardly seems likely, but I guess what PJ said to me might have made me notice things like that a lot more. And you know when you begin to think about something, and then it's on your mind more, until it spirals out of control, and you can only think about that one thing? Yeah, for me, it's the one word. Phil.

I have noticed every little thing he's done, from the adorable sad face he wore when he lost a game of Mario cart, to the way he sticks his tongue out slightly whenever he laughs. I've also caught his eyes a few times, with rather... awkward situations occurring afterwards. I tend to just cough and look away, but not before I notice the way the light reflects off them, and the happiness inside them, before they soften slightly, as we lock eyes, and then one of us looks away.

Does the softening of his eyes mean what PJ seems to think they mean? Because he seemed quite set on the idea that he loved me, which I immediately threw away, imagining all the awkward situations that could arise due to it. But now? I'm not so sure.

One of my main arguments about us being 'secretly in love, but not telling the other one' is the fact that we're both straight. Well. I thought I was straight, anyway, but I've never been truly honest with myself, especially not in 2009. It was then that I had told people on social media that I was bisexual, partially because I thought I was, but also because I thought it would be 'cool', or be considered 'interesting', and get me a bigger audience. And ever since then, I just put it down as a phase, little me trying to be a bit more exciting.

But was I really, genuinely, straight? Because now I'm not so sure. I remember the times in high-school, with the bullies that used to call me a fag, or other crude nicknames along the same lines. It was almost as if I accepted it, and ever since then, there's been the small nagging in the back of my mind. And on top of that, the way I was acting around Phil seemed to make it appear that I was bisexual.

But all joking apart, I think something's changed between the way I look at Phil. I can't help but smile at everything he does, when he says something nice to me, I can't help but feel this pull coming from my stomach. And I think I've been feeling it for a while now. But today, I'm fully accepting it.

I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with my best friend. 

There. I said it. Does it make it official? What should I do now? Do I need to tell him? Wait, I can't do that! Even if I think he may be into me too, then I can't tell him, as it'd ruin the friendship I already had with him. You know, this is all quite ironic, seeing as I was the one giving PJ the advice not more that five days ago, and here I am, in the same predicament. Shame really, I bet Chris actually liked him back. In fact, next time I talk to PJ alone, I'm gonna ask him how he knows he loves Chris. And what he thinks he'll do about it. I don't have to say that I'm feeling the same way, or who about, I can just pretend I'm interested in knowing, or something.

What am I saying, of course he'd guess.

I was drawn from my thoughts rather suddenly, as I heard Phil's door open, and him begin to talk. Who was he talking to? What was he doing on the phone, it was morning time, so I didn't think he'd be awake!

"Chris, are you ok? Is everything fine? What's happened?" He said in a rush, and my confusion dropped. He was talking to Chris again, and it seemed like something was up with my other friend. I strained my ears, trying to hear what he said next. There was a pause of about ten seconds, before Phil spoke up again.

"Oh, thank God, I thought it was the thing again! Wait, I can't talk here, let me move room, I'm too close to Dan's room, he could hear something. Something he can't know yet." He continued, and my heart leapt. What was he talking about? I heard him begin to walk off, listing to Chris again, but was just able to catch the last few words.

"Of course I mean that thing! I've only kept one secret from Dan, ever!" He finished, and I moved back to my bed, realising that I'd subconsciously moved closer to my door to hear more of his conversation. My heart was pounding in my chest, it must be the same thing that he couldn't tell me before. It couldn't be...? Could it?

I shook my head again, Phil couldn't like me. He wouldn't, there was nothing to like about me anyway. About an hour later, and a fully clothed me (finally), I walked downstairs, pretending to act like I hadn't heard anything, after all.

"Chris called," he told me, not looking up at me yet, concentrating on his food. "I invited them round, they should be coming in about an hour." I smiled, it was always good to see my other friends, even if we did appear to do so more often than not these days. Hey, I could even ask PJ how things were going with him and Chris, and what they did when he went round the other day!

"Sounds fun!" I replied back, meeting Phil's eyes and smiling.


	26. PJ

PJ:

The drive to Dan and Phil's house seemed to take forever. It didn't help that it was very busy in London at this time of day, and to be honest, it would've been much quicker to take the tube. However, the tube is so much more crowded, and full to the brim of people. And at least in the car, I could be myself around Chris, without maybe letting and fans who may recognise us overhear our conversation. I mean, I'd quite like to be able to tell Chris I loved him without everyone finding out about it.

"You ok?" I asked him, once we had stepped out of the car, and I squeezed his hand, reassuringly. We had talked, and we'd decided that we would first tell them about us being together, and then tell them about how, meaning Chris had to tell Dan about his schizophrenia. It was time, he had told me, to come clean to them all, and it would all be easier to manage. I didn't pretend to know how much of a decision it would be for him, as I couldn't know, but I respected him, and didn't force him to do anything.

"Yup!" He nodded, before we walked up to the front door. I noticed that they had finally gotten their doorbell fixed, it had been very annoying in the past month, where we had to knock really loudly to get them to hear us, or call them on their phone. There was a lot of awkwardness one time, when they had both been out somewhere, and I'd been knocking to return one of their chargers. It had taken me a few minutes before I realised they weren't in, and it had been pouring with rain, to top it all off!

Pressing the ringer, it took less than thirty seconds for me to hear a pair of feet heading down the stairs, in fact two, and the door opened. I saw both Dan and Phil smiling at us, and they quickly said hello and invited us in, noticing the cold wind that we were standing in. When that was done, me and Chris had to drop hands, as Phil hugged me, and then Dan, and the same happened to Chris. I saw Dan looking at me, and I think he noticed that our hands were interlocked.

"Let's go upstairs!" Phil announced, so we began to climb the three flights of stairs towards their flat. Once we got there, we entered their place, and were asked to sit down on the sofa. We did so, sitting very close to one another, and I felt Chris reach for my hand again. I went slightly pink as he did so, feeling his palm in mine. I couldn't help the small grin that spread across my face as I did so, and Dan noticed it too. His ever famous smirk returned, as he made a point of letting me see his eyes, moving between our hands and my face, which heated just a little bit more.

"So." Dan said, plainly looking at us. As he did so, Phil followed where his eyes were looking, and saw our hands. His face suddenly filled with a massive smile, as he looked at Chris.

"Did you finally say it?" He asked him, and Chris visibly reddened too. Why had I thought this would be a good idea? So far, it'd only made me feel embarrassed, but I guess we had to tell them at some point.

"No, I didn't tell him first." Chris muttered, before looking at me, eyes shining.

"Then did you tell him PJ?" Dan asked, the grin not falling from his face.

"Well, erm- I kinda didn't tell him, I more, um, just accidentallykissedhimbutluckilyhefeltthesame" I said, in one breath, looking down to the floor as all the heat rose to my cheeks. I heard Phil make a noise quite reminiscent to that of a squeak, and looked up to see Chris laughing next to me.

"You don't have to be scared to say you kissed me, I mean, if we didn't kiss, then I don't know if you could define it as a relationship!" He replied, and I scratched the back of my neck, subconsciously. 

"So when did you kiss him then?" Dan asked, eager to know all the details, as I'm sure he would. This was the time, we couldn't tell them how if we didn't say about Chris's problem. I saw him take a deep breath, as the smiles on our faces dimmed slightly, and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze again.

The next twenty minutes, he proceeded to tell Dan (and partially me, I didn't know exactly what Phil had done to help him) all about the monster inside his head, and how he couldn't escape from it. By the end, I wanted to run over to Phil and give him a massive hug for all he did for Chris, but at the same time, Chris needed reassurance that he was ok.

"That's what I've been secretive about, Dan" Phil suddenly blurted out, and my eyes opened wide, as I remembered what I had told Dan I thought he meant by keeping secrets. I had gotten it completely wrong, but I just hope that Dan hadn't believed me at all. Because if so, this was gonna hurt him- that is, if he felt the same way. "I've not been able to tell you because I promised Chris I wouldn't, so please don't be annoyed with me?"

"Annoyed?" Dan barely spoke, his voice small and quiet. "I wouldn't be annoyed. I would've done the same." His eyes suddenly left all of ours, as he opted to look out into space instead. Suddenly shaking himself, he turned back to us again. "So what happened from there? How did you know you loved each other, you're too cute together!"

It seemed Dan was back to his usual self, laughing with us as Chris and I told them about our relationship, but as we were speaking, I saw Dan looking across at Phil every so often, before snapping back to us. What have I done by trying to make him believe Phil loved him? I felt terrible, it seemed to look like he was really in love with his best friend.

"We should probably head back soon." Chris told them both, after we'd finished talking about something or other. We looked across at them both, expecting them to respond, but they both appeared to be completely daydreaming, looking at the other one with soft eyes. I seriously can't believe them sometimes, and whilst I was still feeling bad for telling Dan those things, I thought that maybe he still had a chance. If he actually did like Phil, that is. "Guys!" Chris repeated, and then, and only then, did they look back at us.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry!" Dan said, a slight blush on his cheeks. "That's fine, you can go wherever, it's not like we're doing anything!"

We said our goodbyes quickly, before me and Chris were out again, and seated back in the car. I pecked his lips when we sat down on either side, before I began to drive.

"That went well" I plainly stated, concentrating on the road instead.

"Yes. I thought we were going to let them know of our love, not the other way round" Chris laughed, and I joined in.


	27. Phil

Phil:

After we said our goodbyes to Chris and PJ, I flopped onto the sofa, Dan heading into the kitchen to get some water. I was so happy for Chris and PJ, anybody could tell they adored each other, and it was great that they finally made a move. I was even more proud of Chris being able to tell Dan about his problem without getting too overemotional. I think it probably had something to do with the reassurance PJ was giving him just by sitting down next to him. I smiled, wondering if I'd ever be like that with somebody, close enough to them to know about all of their secrets, and to be able to wake up and see them every day, knowing that I loved them.

And then, Dan (the ever-so slightly obsessive shipper that he was) had asked them how they had realised they loved each other, and their eyes had lit up. They both talked for a while, Chris talking about PJ's eyes, how he was always there to help, how whenever they did something, it would make his tummy flip, and PJ talking about how he could always depend on Chris, and could stare at him for hours. By then, my mind had subconsciously gone off on it's own little adventure, thinking about my flat mate, and everything they said seemed to line up with how I felt about Dan.

I couldn't be in love, because it wasn't right for me to be in love with a male. I mean, there was nothing wrong with LGBT people, but I was straight, and always had been?! And so was Da- or was he, I never knew if his teenage years of being bi was just a phase he went through, or if he was still bi? Either way, we were best friends, and just that. JUST THAT you crazy phan shippers!

But I couldn't help the thought of it getting into my mind, as Chris and PJ talked about them being in love, and all I was doing was staring at Dan. I completely got lost, and had to be shaken out of it by them, as did Dan. I remember, Chris was looking at me, and I swear his eyebrow was slightly raised. Since when did he think he could read my mind? The goodbyes had been very brief, as I think we were all preoccupied with our own thoughts, even Dan seemed a little off.

"PHIL!" He called from the kitchen, and I rolled off the sofa very ungracefully, not being bothered to get myself up. I grunted back to him in response, and he entered the room, smiling fondly down at me. I caught his eyes, and saw his amusement in them, before I decided to try to get up, reaching out to hold the side of the sofa, and pulling my body back up. I heard Dan giggle (no, those aren't butterflies, I'm just hungry or something), and stood up next to him.

"I was only gonna ask what we have for tea!" He told me. I thought for half a second, before remembering what was in the fridge.

"Well, we have some stir-fry sauce, and noodles, so we can have that if you want?" I asked him, and he nodded, his eyes lighting up. It was a well known fact that Dan was the better of the cooks between us, but I always liked to help him cook, even if it was just stirring some pasta whilst he did everything else. Something oddly calming about it, how domestic cooking with your best friend, and doing things you have to do, not ordering pizza every night (like we used to!)

"Sounds cool," Dan replied, before walking back into the kitchen again. I followed him, firstly to get myself some water, but also to see if there was anything I could do to help make it. When I realised that Dan was doing it all, I ended up going back into the living room, glass in hand, and a little disappointed. Having nothing better to do, I decided to text Chris to congratulate him on telling Dan properly, and tell him off for not telling me sooner about him and PJ.

He replied a few minutes later, thanking me and saying that he'd just completely forgotten about everything the past few days. I found myself agreeing; I mean, I forgot to check on him, and if PJ hadn't been there, and if Chris hadn't sent me a text if something had gone wrong, then he'd be in a lot of trouble, and I'd be guilty. But luckily, it hadn't panned out that way after all, and all that had happened was the opposite.

We talked for a few more minutes, before Dan called for tea, and I told Chris why I had to go. Not five seconds later, he sent me the last text of the conversation.

Domestic :p- CK

I rolled my eyes, before entering the kitchen, and getting out two pairs of knives and forks, as Dan was just serving up. We sat down in silence, content in eating the food and each other's company, for about fifteen minutes, until we'd both finished, but didn't really want to get up yet. We were comfy enough, and it was warm, so we stayed sitting next to each other for a while. It wasn't long, though, before Dan began to talk, his voice ringing out in the now silent room.

"So. Chris and PJ, eh? I had no idea about anything, other than PJ's feelings, it's weird to think that we both knew about each of their feelings- if they'd let us tell the other, then we'd have known before them!" He said, smiling and I let out a small laugh. It did sound slightly ludicrous, in the fact that they could've just come out with it a lot sooner, had they know.

"They're cute together. It'll make their fans happy at least." I replied back, trying to turn the last sentence into a laugh, but not succeeding, as it turned slightly bitter, as my thoughts did too. They were perfect together, almost too perfect. Dan coughed slightly, and I looked up at him, once again finding myself locking eyes with him. As I looked at him, I thought about everything that he'd ever meant to me, and all the happy memories we had together, of amazing times that I didn't want to come to an end any time soon- heck, I didn't ever want my time with Dan to be cut short.

Is this what love is? Not seeing a future without them, appreciating the small things they do day in and day out, wanting to be with them all the time, and the fact that they're constantly on your mind? As I broke eye contact with him, I found my eyes trailing downwards to look at the other aspects of his face, to admire the beautiful curves of his cheeks, and the way the light hit it at an angle that played with the shadows falling across them. I saw his lips, slightly parted, and I suddenly felt an urge to kiss them, to kiss him, and to forget about everything else, other than the person in front of me.

"Sorry, I think I'm feeling odd, I'm gonna head off to bed soonish!" I squeaked out, as I forced myself to look away, standing up awkwardly from my chair, and putting my plate in the dishwasher. I rushed upstairs to my bedroom, where I promptly flopped on the bed, my thoughts racing. There was one thing I could decide upon, though.

I was in love with my best friend, and I was completely fucked.


	28. Chris

Chris:

The ride home took a relatively short amount of time, as we passed the time talking about plans for the week ahead. PJ indicated left, and we pulled off the road into my driveway, parking the car easily. I got out, fishing through my pocket to find my key, before I pulled it out and unlocked the door. It wasn't particularly late, but the colder weather meant that it was a lot darker, and seemed a lot later than it actually was, which made us both hurry in and try to get warmer from the cold weather. When I got into the kitchen, I began to think.

It'd been about five days since PJ had come over, and he was living off my clothes by now. I guess we'd have to go to his place tomorrow to get some things, or stay at his for a bit. Which do we chose, where do we go? I didn't particularly have a preference, I'd prefer both for different reasons, but it's a bit odd, not knowing. Maybe I'll ask PJ tomorrow, see what he thinks. As I look at the clock, I saw that it was only half five, and that I was tired compared to the time of day. I swear all I'd done in the past few days was sleep, but here I was feeling like I needed even more!

I guess it was being able to sleep next to PJ which acted as an incentive for me, and a pretty good one at that! Luckily for me it turned out that PJ was also pretty tired and due to that, we both decided that it was time for us to head up. I reckon it could only have really been 6 o'clock, but we both agreed that we could lay around and perhaps go on social media a little bit, before we fell asleep. One of my guilty pleasures (admittedly) have been traipsing through the kickthestickz tag on tumblr, and it turned out that was something PJ also secretly used to do.

We both didn't have a tumblr we told our fans about, but instead had secret accounts that we both used instead. It'd made me laugh when I found out a few days ago that PJ did the same thing that I did with tumblr, because we'd both been secretly stalking the kickthestickz fandom, as predictable as we were! Logging in, I wondered what would happen if I posted a message saying that I was Chris, the Chris Kendall they were blogging about. What would they say? Would anyone actually believe me?

I doubt anybody would, unless I put any photo evidence up with it. And that reminded me. Were me and PJ gonna tell any of our fans about any of this? About us? How could I, if I'd gotten rid of my YouTube channel anyway, would the fans even care anyway?

PJ stretched beside me, and raised his arms as if he was about to get out of the bed. We must've spent a couple of hours here by now, endlessly scrolling through tumblr, but the website did seem to be a time vortex, where we could think about thirty minutes had passed, but in reality it'd been more than two hours! I both loved and despised the website. PJ did get up, after a few seconds, and run his hand through his hair, trying to make it more even than it was. It looked adorable.

"I'm gonna go down for a bit, get some toast to bring up." He told me, opening his mouth to yawn once he was done. "Want anything?" He asked, and I smiled and nodded, deciding just to have some of whatever he was making. He left, closing the door behind him, and I turned back to my computer, continuing to mindlessly scroll.

As PJ closed the door, it swung shut and created a dark shadow across part of the carpeted floor. I tried not to think about shadows for the time being, as they only reminded me of bad times. Since staying with PJ, we hadn't been apart from each other for more than 15 minutes, because we were both so wary of letting me stay by myself for more than a few minutes. Nothing had happened, and I secretly hoped that nothing ever would happen again.

I was so much happier now, that I had began to believe that I was getting better. I hadn't had any depressive thoughts recently, and I'd been in a much more positive mood too. I decided just to go for it, and tweet something out to the people who would want to know if I was ok. I spent the next few minutes deciding what to write and how to word it. Finishing it, I looked back down at what I'd written and checked it through.

"Hey guys, life update! I'm doing better than I was, not sure if I'll be posting videos for a bit though, but I'm getting better, thanks to @kickthepj !"

I decided that it would do enough, and I tweeted it out, before watching the replies come back in. I smiled at some encouraging ones, saying that they were glad I was getting better, and laughed at ones which screamed and thanked me for posting something before they died. I guess I was doing better, and it was mainly down to my beautiful new boyfriend.

As I thought this, the very same person popped his head into the room, carrying a plate with some toast on, smiling before rejoining me again. I was so lucky to have him. If life hadn't given me luck before, it sure was trying to make up for it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a bit short, lacking some motivation, I will try to get another up soon!


	29. Dan

Dan:

Why am I literally so stupid to think that Phil could ever have liked me back? I was just some self-centred, narcissistic man who tries to make everything they hear about themselves. All I heard was that Phil had a secret, one that he couldn't tell me, and that it was the only one like that. And that immediately meant that I had to jump to the conclusion that he liked me back. God, I'm so stupid.

The worst part wasn't that I had been wrong, or that I could've let something slip to Phil. No, the worst thing was that I had let my hopes up, and now they were plummeting down to the floor faster than me rolling out of bed in the morning. I had let myself dream that me loving Phil might be a good thing, and something that could actually work between us. And it had to be shattered when I finally found out the true secret.

I had nothing at all against Chris, my poor friend had too much going on in his life already for me to want to add to it, but something inside me couldn't help but feel bitter towards him. It was his secret Phil was keeping from me, and once I found out what it was, it wasn't me who was finally with the person I loved, it was Chris instead. To be completely honest, he was probably more deserving of it that I ever was or could be, but it would be nice to dream.

So I sat, feeling sorry for myself, taking both my plate and Phil's plate to the sink to wash them up. Something in me reminded me that I should be feeling at least a twinge of annoyance at being made to do this for my house mate, but then again, he had told me he was feeling ill. Who was I to tell him what to do if he wasn't well. In fact, maybe once I'd done this I could take up some paracetamol, something to drink and see if he was ok.

Or maybe that would seem a bit too clingy, or weird for me to do. Maybe he just wanted some time to himself and was too polite to tell me that. I mean, I didn't want him to know I loved him, especially not as he didn't like me back. I should probably lay off things like this for a while, I don't know if he'd fully appreciate it. But then again, he had been feeling ill, and maybe he would really appreciate the gesture.

Oh, fuck it, I'll just give him the damn paracetamol and water, it wasn't like giving someone medicine could be seen as a romantic gesture or anything. Rifling through the cupboard, my hands brushed the packet of pills as I grabbed them down, popping a couple out and getting a glass full of water to go with them. I tried to be quiet as I walked up the stairs, in case he was sleeping, and when I reached his door, I gently knocked on it. I heard a rustling from behind it that sounded like Phil sorting out his bed or something, and he called out a quiet "Come in".

I pushed the door open, smiling as I saw Phil scrunched up in his covers, hair slightly askew and his black glasses drooping slightly on the bridge of his nose. My heart leapt in my chest as I looked at him, grinning back at the lazy smile he wore on his cute little face. If I needed any more proof that I was in love, this would definitely push me over the edge of "slightly gay" into "Full On Homo Attack!"

"Hey," I said softly to him, walking up to his bed and placing the glass and paracetamol on his bedside table. It was littered with various different objects, the biggest of which being his pokemon plushee, which matched the one I had in my room. "You feeling ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm a bit better now, just got a headache that's bugging me," He replied back, meeting my eyes with his warm blue ones. "Nothing else really bugging me, heh" he continued, his voice rising at the end of the sentence. Now, having lived with Phil for longer than I care to count, I knew all the little tell tale signs he subconsciously used when he was hiding his emotions from me. I knew the little half smile and dipping of the head meant he was sad or disappointed in himself, and I also knew that his voice rising in a sentence, and a half laugh meant that he wasn't telling the full truth.

Well, whatever, I knew that he wanted to be alone sometimes, and that he didn't have to tell me literally everything about his life. It wasn't like I did anyway. "Well, I got you a couple of paracetamol to help, here" I told him, holding out the glass and pills for him to take.

As he went to grab the drink, his fingers brushed over mine, and I felt my hands tingle slightly. Turning away, I tried to conceal the blush that was threatening to spread from my neck to my cheeks, and I decided that it would probably be easier if I just left whilst I was ahead. Turning around, I walked towards the door, pausing by the exit and turning around to face him once again.

"Thanks" he whispered to me, his voice laced with tiredness, as I felt a warmth spread from my chest outwards. This man could make me feel warm when all I had felt since Chris left was despair and self-pity. How he could do that, but also be the cause of my sadness was unknown to me. It did sound kind of mucked up, when you put it like that actually.

"That's ok" I replied back, softly, looking back at him. "I hope you sleep well anyway, and are feeling better by tomorrow"

He hummed in response, already practically asleep, as I turned out of his room and walked into my cold, lonely room instead. What I wouldn't give to be snuggling up with him in the room next door instead of here, by myself, where it was likely I wouldn't be able to sleep for a very long time. Loving people sucks.

A/N yo yo thanks for 700 reads guys :)


	30. PJ

PJ:

It had been a few days since Chris and I had met up with Dan and Phil, and it'd been a pretty great few days, in my opinion. A few youtube updates had been done, especially since pjthekick was getting more and more views, and I did have to keep up with the viewers! I had wondered, quite a few times, what it would be like to have no youtube channel, and be like Chris. He'd been in the background of one or two of my videos, and you should've seen the shit-storm that went down in the comment section of it.

It was probably one of the highest watched recent videos on pjthekick, which wasn't surprising, as people were likely to be either worried for Chris, or thirsty for some kickthestickz action. Which wasn't happening on camera. Well, at least not yet. But on a more serious note, it would definitely be a bit before me and Chris were ready to say something to the viewers about it, but at the same time I felt like there was nothing more important to me than telling the world that I loved Chris.

The couch I was sitting on shifted slightly, as Chris came to sit down next to me, staring at something on his phone, and dragging me out of my thoughts. I smiled, before asking him if he had any plans for today. He shrugged his shoulders at me, still slightly focused on his phone, before he turned it off, and faced me.

"Uh, I'm not too sure," He replied.

"Well, is there anything you need to do, anything you need to go shopping for or what-not?" I asked, and watched my boyfriend shrug his shoulders for the second time this conversation. When we discovered that we were at a loss of things to do, he turned on the TV and flicked through some random channels, nothing particularly taking our fancy. Leaving it on some crappy talk show, we watched it in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"You know what we do actually need to do?" Chris asked, suddenly breaking the silence, and drawing me away from the life of a middle aged, cheating woman from Essex.

"Uh, no?" I asked him, trying to think of something that I may have left out when thinking about our plans. I couldn't really figure out what it was, so I waited for Chris to continue in a few moments.

"We need to sort out Dan and Phil!" He told me, a smirk rising across his face. Oh. That's what he meant. I hadn't forgotten about the way Dan and Phil had stared at each other the other day, and I felt something needed to be done to get them together, because if me and Chris were in love, then I'm pretty sure they had to be too!

"Ah. About that," I began, turning to face Chris. He cocked his head towards me, silently telling me to continue. "Dan told me a while back that he was sad Phil was keeping secrets from him, and I might have maybe suggested that Phil's secret was that he liked Dan... Which, I guess, is a problem because the secret was yours, and Dan seemed kinda happy about it at the time."

"Oh, so you're saying that you think Dan may like him, and he thought Phil may have done, but now he's not so sure?" Chris questioned, his face frowning slightly as he tried to work out what I meant by that.

"Yeah, basically" I validated, and looked down into my lap, slightly ashamed that I'd been so eager to get them together before. I mean, I could've been correct and they may have been the best power couple out there, but then again, if I'd been wrong I could end their friendship by making Dan say something he would regret and making things awkward between them. I mean, even though it seemed fairly obvious that they liked each other, there was always a chance it wasn't what literally everybody else thought it was.

"Well, it's not like you told him a blatant lie, Phil was really upset when Dan was annoyed at him that one time, when he had to keep the secret from Dan. It was eating up at him the whole time he was over with me, though he tried not to show it. To be perfectly honest, I'd be very surprised if there wasn't anything more going between them as of now!" Chris finished, and I couldn't help but agree to most of the thing he said. It was true that Dan had also been very upset at the time, and it showed me that the two literally couldn't live normally without the other.

"Well, what can we do about it, it's not like we can openly make them date or anything!" I reasoned with Chris. I knew he had some plan when I saw an even bigger smirk force it's way onto his face. That was definitely something I'd picked up on over the past week or so living with him properly, in amongst other little quirks he had. Cute little quirks, that make him Chris!

"We can't do that, no, but we can make them go on a date instead!" He told me, and I felt myself begin to smile too. This could work, we could set them up like in all of the cliche stories, and I was already imagining how cute yet weirdly awkward this would be!

"So, what, we could ask them to go to the cinema with us, and accidentally get stuck in traffic or something?" I suggested, and Chris nodded in response.

"Definitely, and then they can go in together, and probably be super cute! Oh! Can it be 'The Lone Outsider', because that's a horror movie, meant to be really good, and could produce some good Phan moments?" He asked me, and I agreed. Maybe we could sneak in a bit afterwards, as I also wanted to see that film! It looked surprisingly good for what was on at the cinema nowadays, which admittedly wasn't that much. I was in need of a good horror movie, I thought.

"Ok then, I'll send Phil a text and see if he's free later today then," I told Chris, and promptly turned to my phone, opening up messenger. It was only 9:30 in the morning, so I doubted that Phil would reply for a bit. It didn't matter to me, not like we had any plans for the day, other than turning back to this crappy tv show we were watching.


	31. Phil

Phil:

I woke up, nearly feeling sick. I was still trying to convince myself that I hadn't been wildly in love with my best friend for over 6 years, and that things were and could stay just platonic between us. Believe me, it was a battle I was losing, as every time I thought of him I couldn't help but smile. And it was sickening. Last night, I hadn't been completely lying to Dan. I was feeling kinda sick, because everything going on in my head had given me an almost nauseating headache, so when Dan had brought up some pills, I gratefully took it and it helped me to sleep earlier than I would've.

Sleep was gonna be hard, I thought. It'd been bad enough in the little time I was awake last night, trying to sort out all of my thoughts. Now that I finally knew I liked Dan as more than a friend, I needed to work out what I was gonna do about it. Dan had told me before that he was bisexual, so that was all good, but I seriously doubted that he'd feel the same way, or else I'm sure he would've said something about it. The best plan of action was probably just to ignore it, and try to figure out a way to deal with being around him all the time.

Maybe I could make this work. Maybe there was a way. The trouble was, I was a very bad actor, so the only thing I'd be able to do would be physically run away, which would definitely not bode well with Dan! Dragging myself out of bed, I looked at my phone, which showed 10:30. Not too late today, which was impressive considering how much I liked to sleep. I also saw, in amongst my many notifications, that I had a text message from PJ. I unlocked my phone and opened it to see what he had sent me.

Hey Phil, Chris and I were wondering if you and Dan wanted to go with us to see 'The Lone Outsider' in the cinema later today? -PJ

Truth be told, I had wanted to go and see that, because the few times I'd seen an advert for it, I'd really liked the look of it. Deciding to get up, I slid out of bed regretfully and walked out of the room, before quietly knocking on Dan's door to see if he was up. I heard some shuffling, and then a quiet noise that sounded like 'uuuhhhhhhhhhhh', which probably meant that he was awake, but not wanting to get up.

So I opened the door, but didn't see Dan. I only saw a lump on his bed with covers thrown over the human shape. I walked over towards his bed, and prodded the covers, hearing a groan coming out from beneath them.

"Daaaaaan?" I began, quietly but still loud enough for him to hear. The bed shifted, and a head with full hobbit hair emerged from the duvet.

"Whaaaaat?" He replied back, mimicking my tone of voice, and I let out a small laugh.

"PJ asked us if we wanted to go to the cinema later today." I elaborated, and I saw his eyes shift to the right slightly, as he thought about what we were going to do today instead.

"Uh, what to see?" He asked.

"The Lone Outsider."

"Oh, that's meant to be really good, I'd quite like to see that!" Dan replied quite quickly after I'd told him. I smiled, because that's exactly what I had been thinking.

"So long as it's not gonna be too scary for you?" I asked, grinning at him. It wasn't a little known fact that Dan didn't cope too well with scary things, be that scary movies or video games, so it'd be quite funny to see him react to the film we would see, as one of the biggest factors of its success was its ability to jump scare when you were least expecting it!

Dan flipped me off, before continuing to talk, a smile on his face still. "What time would we go see it?" He asked, and I shrugged my shoulders. PJ hadn't told me that.

"Well, I'll text him and suggest around 6 maybe? If that's ok with you?" I continued, and Dan nodded, agreeing with me.

Hey Peej, we'd love to go, we think around 6 would suit us, if that's an ok time for you! -Phil

After sending that message, I shut my phone off, and offered to go and get some cereal to bring up to Dan. I was feeling a little bit guilty that he'd offered me the tablet and water without being asked to do that for me, so I thought this could be a little payback for him. He smiled, and told me that'd be great, so I went down to grab him some and a piece of toast for me. I wasn't particularly hungry.

A few minutes later, I was going back up the stairs to his room, with the toast in my mouth and cereal in my hand. I tried to knock again, but I didn't have any spare hands, so instead I knock it with my leg, and enter with my shoulder. I see that Dan is still sitting in his bed, as I walk over and place the cereal down, getting back to eating my own. I turned to leave, but stopped when Dan said my name. My heart inexplicable sped up at the sound of him speaking my name.

"Are you ok Phil?" He asked me, and I paled slightly. What did he mean by that? I hadn't been at all obvious that I liked him, I didn't think. Why else would he be asking me that?

"Yeah, I'm ok?" I told him, almost as a question rather than an answer. He smiled. That was good. That was always good.

"Ah, ok, so you're better than last night?" He asked again.

"Oh! Yeah, last night!" I answered, finally catching on. Of course that's why he'd ask me that, I had told him/pretended that I was quite ill last night, so he'd only want to know how I was. "I'm fine now, I just had a really bad headache because, uh, I don't know why, but it was just a headache. I'm feeling fine now"

Mental facepalm! What was I saying? Why was I stuttering? Ah!

"Good, that's good!" He replied back, and smiled up at me. His eyes really were quite beautiful, I found myself thinking, as I stared into them and he stared back. A buzz from my phone broke us both from our slight trance, and I looked at it to see that PJ had replied.

Yeah, that sounds cool! There's a 6:15 screening, wanna go to that? -PJ

Yup, sounds good for us! See you then :) -Phil


End file.
